A Park Bench

Over the last several months I hit a bottom, probably not The Bottom, but a true and new bottom for me… an immobilizing of my heart, passion, soul, relationships and spirit. I feared my state. I could share the back story but that’s not the story. This is the story…

I’m at my desk on the computer trying to paddle upstream without a paddle and accomplish something that would bring a little relief or validation to my soul when a Staff Member steps in to say something about something and disrupts my "Sisyphean challenge" to accomplish anything that might pass as a contribution to the ministry of Ransomed Heart.* I think she was sent by God to pierce the fog of my life and leave behind some sort of a “grace-bomb” with a fuse set to go off two minutes after she exited. She exited and before I could re-enter my striving to be fruitful, I had an unsolicited and seemingly random vision or picture from God.

Here it is…

I’m sitting on a park bench stretched out like a warped board slouched with my legs extended out in front of me and my head resting on the bench’s back railing. It’s a beautiful park with large grassy areas separated by a walkway slaloming between huge mature shade trees. I’m checked out, not really present staring off straight ahead over the horizon at nothing. Though I’m cognizant of my surroundings there is no conscious thought. I was in that state in which you don’t ever wink or swallow, there’s no measurable brain activity and barely a pulse… you are alive but not present. That’s me!

Somehow this old bench is bearing all my weight and the shit-load of all that’s weighing on me. I am certifiably detached from life.

It’s mid-day and there’s a warm breeze blowing just enough to rustle the leaves of the Cottonwood that’s shading me. The scene cries summer with the air full of pollen, gnat tornadoes and the musty scent of fresh cut grass. In the background is the sound of sprinklers machine gunning water over a flower bed… chit-chit-chit-chit-chitachitachitchit. Straight ahead, a little to the left, is an old park table with four young women enjoying their Grande coffees and the reunion they’re having. To the right is a young brother and sister on their bikes playing some form of follow the leader where the leader tries to lose the follower (kinda of like the Pastor I worked under at a Southern California Mega-Church).  Almost 90 degrees to my left a bunch of pigeons are trying to enforce a clear pecking order while scrambling to eat a handful of feed someone threw out for them.

I’m taking this all in but unmoved by any of it. It’s clinical; I’m an observer of life but not a participant in it.

As my vision pans right, back from the birds to resume my vigilant dazed and confused gape I notice or sense something peripherally… right next to me.

It’s a person. I can’t hide my being startled by this out-of-no-where stranger who’s suddenly  sitting eight inches from me on our shared little bench.

It’s a man, an older man with weathered but not leathered skin. Actually it’s God.

Oh my God, it is God! I don’t know how I knew, but I knew (it’s kinda like living in Los Angeles and passing one of a gazillion Mexican restaurants… you intuitively know that this one serves a great combination plate though you’ve never seen it, been in it or heard of it. You just know!).

Now this whole picture/vision seemed to be unfolding in a millisecond and in the next millisecond I notice my bench friend, The One True and Eternal, Just and Holy, Powerful and All Knowing God hasn’t yet said a word or even made eye contact with me. Furthermore, like me, he is slouched and staring straight ahead. And then I notice there’s a tear forming and then falls from the corner of his eye.

Huh… he’s very human, common… real. Fully God truly man.

One of the things that struck me as odd throughout this picture or vision is that my posture doesn’t change, I don’t sit up straight on the bench or fall on my face… my demeanor and countenance remain the same. Though God is stretched out eight inches from me I am, outwardly unfazed! Equally as unexpected is that he’s un animated, silently slouched on a park bench apparently killing time. If you were to have walked by us and seen us you may have muttered under your breath the commentary, “Get a life!” 

There we were, the two of us sharing a bench for what felt like hours with nothing said, no eye contact… just sitting and staring off into nowhere.

His tear and silence were the most stunning part of the picture. He didn’t say anything?!

He was silent and that was okay. That he said nothing said so much. He was just there, next to me… with me... and I was in his presence and... he’s crying.

He was silent, but his tears said everything. From his tear I knew that He knows all that I’m facing: the losses and pain; the struggles and terrors; my failures and ache to live and love well. I could tell He knew, and knowing that he knew everything about me, my life and this season… brought a tear to his eye. He’s crying with me, for me, over me. The tear is everything!

He didn’t offer affirmation with deeply validating words, “Craig, you have lived so well in this difficult season. Well done my son… you’re so on the right track… I love you! Keep it up”. That he didn’t offer that seemed to say I didn’t need it. Wow!

He didn’t call me out either. There was no exposing of another deeply rooted profoundly governing historic and systemic sin that explains my struggle to live and love well from a heart of true adoration and worship of God. That he didn’t go there seemed to say so much. So, so very much. Apparently there was something more important than going over all of that.

I cannot explain all this picture/vision of God and I sharing a park bench meant and had for me, but a mere moment in the presence of God felt as if time stood still… It was as if I was in his presence for hours and hours. And in those moments everything lifted.

In his presence I was in a zero-gravity-of-the-soul state. The poundage, burden, pressure… the crushing of heart, soul, spirit and desire was lifted. There was no sin; no idolatry or fear; no loss or tears: every desire we have in life-this-side-of-heaven was gone… the longings and groaning for life and all we were created to have were, in his presence satisfied. Nothing lacking, nothing missing, nothing wanted… nothing but pure, full, expansive and deep satisfaction, joy… life itself is what I had in his presence. The whole “My burden is light” thing made sense for the first time ever.

With the weight I carry, that you carry, lifted we can breathe, live, laugh, worship, dance, love… In his presence is life, everything changes because you are in His presence.

Well, as it always does in the here-and-now the picture, the vision these moments with God transitioned... it ended and I was sitting alone in my broken desk chair like any man whom God has visited. Stunned, surprised, wanting to fall on my face in worship… I spent the next hour and then hours over the next week unpacking the beauty, power, affirmation, hope and life of these moments.

Almost immediately I was aware that while nothing had changed with my life everything had changed with life.

My cancer hasn’t disappeared, nor the anger a couple dozen people have so powerfully expressed toward me, my pesky neighbor hasn’t moved, the financial issues remain, my internal battle of withdrawing continues, an old friend still prefers being an ex-friend and my freaking car is now acting up. Nothing has changed with difficult circumstances and challenging relationships of my life.

But having been on that bench and experiencing all that comes in being in his presence I have been introduced to something very new, though I’ve probably taught it eloquently for years... Being in the presence of God changes everything. Everything!

You do not see life the same, in his presence. The very, very real troubles of life look very, very different in his presence. Somehow, in his presence worry, fear, hatred, weakness and pain cannot exist. You see yourself most clearly in his presence. Everything I yearn for in a world that is so violent, parched, deceptive and unforgiving is found in the presence of God. (I have often sought God’s words, voice, counsel, understanding, guidance and validation. Each of those are valid and necessary pursuits to go to God with. What’s new for me, in this season is to simply pursue him and all the other things will be taken care of).

I can't tell you where I spend most of my time but it isn't in the presence of God... I can tell you that one moment on a park bench with him is better than a thousand elsewhere.

Oh God, extend the times we're together.

- Craig McConnell

* Note: Some of my best friends have an eye for grammar that I lack. While I may leave them breathless, at times, from my inclination for run-on sentences, I still maintain that a good winding is a legitimate literary style. 

Glorious Ruins

Okay… some of my recent time with a sage/guide/counselor was focused on my being an “unfinished” man. One might think that little time need be spent on that topic at all. But alas, it was needed! 

While God has romanced me since birth, and I have chosen to follow him for 37 years… there is still much more for me to experience of God’s transforming and gracious fathering heart. There always will be. I can point to significant healing/change/growth over the decades yet I there are times, people and circumstances, in which I, still, do not live, love or relate as I want (Romans chapter 7).

“Still crazy after all these years” – Paul Simon

There is a grace, and a freedom in recognizing that in this life, Act III of The Larger Story, we will always be “unfinished”… in need desperate need of God, humble, able to embrace and offer forgiveness.

I shouldn’t have been surprised that my wonderful counselor saw a part of my soul that was closed to God and others, detached and self-protective… but I was!

While that is all true a more important reality I was reminded of is that I, like you, am also a glorious image bearer who was wonderfully crafted in the womb by God for a unique and mythic role in this grand story of the Kingdom of God invading planet earth with the Good News of deliverance, freedom, restoration, life, hope and joy! I regularly forget this!

It’s actually amazing that God chooses to use “unfinished” man to accomplish his redemptive rescue of others! You’d think he’d wait for our perfection, for our being “finished”, a little further along in our sanctification prior to using us in significant ways wouldn’t you? After all, it’s to everyone’s benefit that I’m a little holier, more loving, more “present”, stronger and wiser isn’t it?

Picture God’s “Army” hitting the beaches and the front of the landing craft opens to spill the invading force upon the enemy. It’s not a squadron of well armed finely tuned special forces that storm the enemies pill boxes… its more like Ms. Evan’s third grade class wandering ashore, it’s  a guy in a Hawaiian shirt with a book and his beach chair strolling off,  two guys wearing uniforms but missing their guns, its a slick dude in a business suit and a gal carrying a big Bloomingdales bag followed by an overweight middle aged guy from Pittsburgh with stains on his shirt finishing off his little carton of Kung Pau Chicken. You’re in shock, “That’s God’s invasion force? Those are the ones he’s entrusted his rescue of mankind to?”

Yep!!!!!!! That’s the Army he’s chosen… and we're a part of it.  God has chosen the weak, the unfinished, and the not-quite-all-together to bring the Kingdom. Amazing! We’re unfinished and we’re a part of this grand mission.

AND IT WORKS… It’s always been that way…

Remember Moses (Exodus 3) God sees the misery/oppression of his people and taps Moses on the shoulder while he’s in attending to the routines of life (tending the flock) and calls him to be the deliverer of God’s people from the Super-Power of the day. Moses, knowing he’s not quite the “deliverer” type responds, “Who me? Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”… to which God responds, “I will be with you”. Very few of us would evaluate ourselves as being up for the task/role God has for us.

Then Gideon (Judges 6) is scared to death and hiding in the hills from the dreaded enemies of the day and God shows up and addresses him as “Mighty Warrior”???? – and assigns him the task of setting the people free from oppression.  Gideon, like us, is skeptical that God could really have such a role for him. He’s unfinished… yet God chooses him! What has he chosen you for? What name has he called you that, perhaps, at the moment, seems absurd? 

There’s David (1Samuel 16) the runt of the family being chosen over his seven older, “more suited” brothers to be king of Israel.  Solomon – (1Kings 3) confronted with the task of being king cries out to God, “I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties”. He’s unfinished man who is about to be a king! Jeremiah as well (Jeremiah 1) responds to God’s call saying, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child…".  Unfinished!

The Minor Theme is we’re unfinished, a ruin, a wreck… I let people down, detach, hide, withhold friendship/relationship, get distracted…. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I have hurt people by the way I've lived... I wish I was much different... and I am different than I was a year ago... "Oh God come for me, continue to restore and transform me!".

AND The Major Theme is that, you and me are key players, glorious beings God is using to bring life, salvation, deliverance to others.  We are changing the world! I needed a sage to remind me of that.

 

- Craig McConnell
 

A Guide

I am amazed at the invitations of God to find Him anew in some profound and deep way again and again over the years.

Long and true are the stories of victory, healing, growth and intimacies with God we each have and share, yet, we are always unfinished, in need of more, thirsting and longing for another story of His work in our soul. I am a different man than I was thirty years ago, twenty years ago, ten years ago… two years ago - and I hope to be much further along in my holiness/communion in the years ahead. Much, much further.

These last weeks, actually 2 months, have been memorably disruptive as God has pointed out a barren place he wants to inhabit.

It’s seems premature to draw clear lessons from what’s unfolding, yet I had to begin to speak about it and in doing so hope that more clarity would come.

Recently I spent some time with a gifted sage who shared all he saw in seeing me.

He saw things about me I couldn’t believe, both glorious and marred. With unique gifting and skill he confronted and called out things in my heart, soul and relational style that some have seen and felt but haven’t put words to. Both glorious and marred

I’d be embarrassed and ashamed, at the moment, to share some of what he saw. We are… I am both a trophy of grace and a man so in need of more grace

Much of our time was spent on my relational style… my heart and desires are good... but in significant ways, my heart is not seen or felt... not present to some. It was disorienting to find that in some ways I don’t see clearly. I do more so now… but, as it is when you get that first pair of glasses, I’m a little dizzy.  I’m so grateful for my sage and his eyes. He sees what I can’t and is courageous enough to share a bit of what he sees in seeing me

A couple of weeks ago a John and I went fishing on the Green River in Utah. With a guide we floated the river and had a phenomenal time fly fishing. The Guide knows this river having fished it most days of the year…for years and years.  I think he knows every fish we caught; he certainly knew where they hang out! In any case, though he and Iwere wearing similar sunglasses, and looking at the same stretch of water he saw trout I didn’t. He’d point to a seam in the stream 20 feet away and say, “Craig, cast to those 5 big browns in the far side of that seam 10 feet from the pyramid shaped rock”.  I see the rock, I see the seam, but I don’t see the fish. Time and time again throughout the trip he kept observing, pointing out and enjoying the vast number of fish lurking in the eddies and currents of the Green. I rarely saw what he did.
I kept telling him, “You see trout that I don’t!”

We need guides. Guides who see things we don’t. A strong, loving, kind sage that delivers God’s invitation to the more God has for us in the deepest parts of our soul. The invitation to life.

"Love & War"

There is so much to say about the last month yet everytime I sit down to scribble out some thoughts I get "Writers block", "Brian freeze"... a mental-spiritual-word paralysis. God's doing some pretty disruptive stuff and, seemingly, not allowed me to write about it. I hope to soon

I'd appreciate your prayers in so many ways. Thank you.

I did wanted to tip you off to an offer Ransomed Heart is making. God is doing some incredible things in marriages through John and Stasi's new book, Love and War....  and to get the "word" out we're giving away a free copy of Love and War to the first 500 bloggers to respond. We would love to have our blogging allies  take a few minutes and write a blog on  amazon.com review on Love and War.  If you have interest in receiving a free copy of Love and War, click here! Click away. - Craig

Easter

Okay… I’m at Gourmet Cabby Internet Café in Breckenridge. Checked the emails, a mug of Sumatra next to me - it’s snowing, cold… breezy. I’m leaning back in el cheapo swivel desk chair…

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday… inhale, exhale. Lord, shift my heart to Easter.

No sooner do I say “resurrection” under my breath and I’m in tears.

There is no order or sequence to these vignettes, my guess is that combined they are but a glimpse of that instant moment in time when there is no more time… in the twinkling of an eye… when I will be raised/changed.

I will be on my face in tears or adoration… no, I think I’ll be on my feet with arms victoriously thrust up with my heart  bursting in praise … or maybe just still… finally still and silent…  I could see myself thrown into His arms, silent, in tears, finding the words that have been groanings all my life. There is so much to say here…

I will see my father, Al McConnell for the very first time… there is nothing more I can say in this moment here.

I will to see my mom… free from grief/pain.

Lori and I will gaze into one another’s eyes like never before… our daughters, their husbands, their children and their children will be on some dance floor that’s like a jeweled sea - dancing, dancing, dancing in some ever growing family circle laughing as we wobble all over dong some kind of previously-unknown-heavenly folk dance that has us all holding shoulders, kicking up our feet, singing in Hebrew, with colorful hats, shimmering garments…

Lori and I will wander through some crowded banquet hall of heaven with a never empty glasses filled with the finest wine. Strolling about I bump into Nanny & Pop, Grandparents McConnell, old friends, old knuckleheads, I’ll listen in to a conversation between Elijah and Habakkuk, war heroes and I will swap stories, and sitting around heavens campfires will be “nobodies” and “some bodies” from every era, age and continent…

Okay… it’s at this point that my writing cannot keep up with my heart and mind’s kaleidoscopic impressions. I’m flooded with emotions, pictures, images, passages, quotes, faces, stories …

20 minutes pass. I cannot describe all my heart yearns for at the mention of “Resurrection”.

That day is coming… we’ll celebrate it tomorrow… actually… let the celebration begin. He is risen!

- Craig McConnell

So and So

“There is no defense against criticism except obscurity.”  – Joseph Addison

With at least 38,000 Christian denominations worldwide do you think there are some significant differences of opinion on a wide range of doctrinal topics?

Does a 10 lb. bag of flour make a really big biscuit? Is the Pope Catholic? Do one legged ducks swim in circles? Does Windows have bugs? Did Clinton have sex with that woman? Do Bears….. howl in the woods? Is Ed “Too Tall” Jones too tall?

Clearly there are essential beliefs that define and unite those committed to the Lordship of Christ and the truth of The Gospel. Those truths are so core that to not believe them is to posture one’s self outside the circle of Christianity.

In addition to these essential beliefs are lesser issues or nonessential beliefs that believers may differ on. As the thousands of Protestant denominations attest, there are many… literally thousands of issues that Christians disagree on. Most of these are non-essential areas of belief and practice (important, passionately held convictions… but not definitively essential to the Christian faith such as the sequence of events preceding the Return of the Lord, the age of the earth, the role of women in the church, baptismal preferences, a wide range of life style issues, style of worship music, many political positions, etc.).

Differences among Christians have always existed; however, most Christians ascribe to the maxim:”in essentials, unity; in nonessentials, liberty; in all things charity.”  Or as Paul put it,

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. – Paul, Ephesians 4: 2-3.

But some Christians don’t ascribe to that maxim.

A passionate man writes me wanting to know Ransomed Heart’s doctrinal position on….. so and so. He writes that, while he would like to attend one of our conferences, he will not give his time or money to any organization that doesn’t believe… so and so.

Now, I genuinely respect a person’s convictions and passions. Some would criticize me for being too gracious, and while cheering on the diligent study of God’s Word and the formation of a Biblical Worldview/theology, I can get ruffled over the arrogance, mulish pharisaic spirit and the unloving posture some of us take over issues that are nowhere near the orbit of Christianity’s essential/core beliefs. (Note… i once was that guy!)

I respond to his “concern” in trademark kindness and patience receiving an immediate curt reply from him rebuking my heretical minimizing of this issue.

Breathe deep; come God… forgiveness, mercy, patience and humility fill me.

Are there really thousands of essential… cardinal beliefs we must hold to hope for the salvation of God or to bear the mark “Christian”?

Is it hundreds of non-negotiable doctrinal positions we must hold to? Is it scores of doctrines that, if not ascribed to, justify the hatred, cursing and judging of another under the guise of pursuing doctrinal purity?

I think not. I think there are far less than many of us propose. The Apostles Creed or The Nicene Creed refer to relatively few... each essential, each to be held to passionately and defended vigorously, but in total, few in number.

”In essentials, unity; in nonessentials, liberty; in all things charity.”

Love God, live free! – Craig McConnell

 

(for those familar with my blog… I’m mightily resisting the inclusion of a bunch of notes…errrr, “footnotes” here…)

Enjoy the Surf

My friend Sam sent me an email that simply said, “Take a minute out of your day when you can to let yourself enjoy this one." There was a link to a video.

I just “enjoyed” it…

It's five minutes and forty-nine seconds long, which is an eternity for some of us. I endured and was jumped by God.

As it ended I was in tears wanting to live, wanting to overcome, wanting to rise above all the crap/wounds/obstacles/battles/lies/doubt/compromise that crowds my life. I want to be that guy!

Five, ten minutes later I hear God say, “You are that guy. Enjoy the surf!”

Enjoy the surf!

When you can, take a minute and let yourself enjoy this. As soon as you finish, take all it stirred up to God.

Let me know what you heard. – Craig McConnell

Here's the link to the video.

 

The Coveted Red Tricycle

For our Granddaughter’s third birthday we bought her The Coveted Red Tricycle.

She called to thank us leaving a voice mail saying, “Thank you sooooo much, this is the bike I’ve always wanted”. 

I couldn’t help but contrast the desires a three year old has “always” had with the long cherished yearnings of a 54 year old?

And whether or not the tricycle will be such a wonderful source of joy in a month or two. 

(read my blog titled "Matador" for a bit more on this theme)

- Craig McConnell

Professor

I’m sitting up in the sound booth during one of our conferences as my mind begins to wander…  I’m musing over how long it has been and how much I miss teaching on an ongoing basis. I’ve always viewed myself as a “pastor-teacher” and thought the full effect/ power of my life is most felt by those “sitting” under my tutelage over time. I don’t think my strengths are suited as a one hour shock-and-awe inspirational circuit speaker. So… in the midst of my fond remembrances of teaching, God nudges in and, like a good friend interested in my story asks,

“When did you enjoy teaching most?”

I’m grinning ear to ear with an immediate response.

It was the college level theology courses I regularly taught at my church in LA. I’m beaming as I recall the seasons of waxing eloquent on Christology, Sanctification, Anthropology, and Harmitology… 

Yep… you bet I was feeling groovy passing out my 70 page syllabus chock full of enlightening insights, profound perspectives, implications and applications… oh, and a ton of footnotes noting alternative views with their pros and cons,  rabbit trails, sources, exegetical notes  etc. etc…. after all, any serious book of note on God has lots of footnotes!!! I loved it, loved it, loved it! It was thorough, commanding clarity on the cardinal doctrines of the faith… full of footnotes.

And then, in a sagely all-knowing tone, the voice of a loving father God says, “Yeah… you were hiding”

Pause.

Silence. One thousand one, one thousand two… one thousand six, my smile is now a gawking opened mouth with furrowed brow and questioning eyes.

He continues, “You loved it so much because you “found” validation there. Your syllabus and footnotes… your teaching was all a desperate strategy to win a little applause and fend off the haunting fear that you have nothing to say…. ”

So I stroll through memory lane thinking back decades to my stint in seminary and how I wanted to get a Ph.D.  convinced that Doctor Craig McConnell would unquestionably have something noteworthy to say… right? Heck, I’d be an expert in the study of God! I’d be someone.

It’s taken a seven year hiatus from teaching to see, and it’s a bit embarrassing... a little tough to own one’s spiritual adultery, but here I was in the middle of a conference, admitting that one of my genuine strengths had been twisted into a godless quest for life… the abandonment of God for the affirmation of man. The blinded pursuit of a validation God alone can provide.  Admiring my footnotes instead of crying out to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob for the life I sought.

I’m sober, repentant and feeling invited into a deeper dependence upon God.

He’s smiling, I’m smiling and in an hour I’ll be speaking to 433 men. I'm no longer concerned whether or not I leave them smiling.

I’m marveling at the times and places God “shows” up to deal with some issue of our soul. Then again I’m not surprised at all, He’s always present… longing to be our God and more than willing to disrupt us in our adulterous pursuits

- Craig McConnell.

Conservation of Energy

I enjoy reading biographies.  Currently I'm reading about one of the towering figures of the twentieth century: Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill. I’m early in the story of this prolific artist, author, poet, warrior, statesman and world leader  - and I’ve already been disrupted by the way he lived his life.

When asked, to what he attributed his success in life, without pause of hesitation, Churchill replied: “Conservation of energy. Never stand up when you can sit down, and never sit down when you can lie down.*

Conservation of energy?  Never standing when you can sit? Huh….?

Churchill's whole life speaks of an unflappable vigor/spirit, an undiminished energy and yet he’s described as having “the gift of taking short naps when time permitted… when possible, he spent his mornings in bed, telephoning, dictating and receiving visitors”.*

The “gift” of taking naps? 

The immediate thought racing through my head is, “Yes!!! I’ve found a worthy mentor… someone who gets me and can call me to the next level! Yes!!!"

But, I’m not convinced my initial take away is the take away the Author and Perfector of my faith intends for me.

I continue to read of Churchill’s life but return back to this “Conservation of energy” thing. I’m not sure why but I’m a bit muddled by it? Disrupted?

What are you saying to me God?

Perhaps I ought to pass Churchill’s quote on to a couple of my knuckle-headed-Type “A”-driven buddies. Wouldn’t it be a gift of insight and encouragement to them to know that the fruitfulness, the impact and the accomplishment they press for every day, 24/7 may not necessitate a frenzied, multi- tasking, always “on”, margin-less life style? I mean after all, Jesus’ life was never feverish; his life had a rhythm that allowed for time with people. He could spend hours talking to one person, such as the Samaritan woman at the well. His life showed a wonderful balance, a sense of pace, a poise that resulted in the world being flipped upside down. He conserved energy and effected history as no other!

I can see my mate's smiling faces as I exhort them to less time at the desk and more time in bed, to frequent naps and to create margins in their life… for them to be more like Churchill and Jesus!

At about the moment I’m firmly committed to confront my pals with a clarion call to “take it down a notch”, The Wonderful Counselor shifts the focus from them to me. My initial sense of validation is quickly deflated. That “ Hey, I’m a lot like Churchill (and Jesus)… I’ve got this whole conserving energy thing down- napping, mornings in bed, sitting around..." - is confronted with the question: “Conserving energy for what?”

What am I conserving my energy for?

This sweet short life is moving by quickly. I’m under the Big Top; at bat in the seventh game of the World Series; I’m in Bastogne and the enemy has launched a surprise winter offensive in the Ardennes; I’m living in a Larger Story where the hearts and lives of millions are deadened and need the Message of liberation. My wife, children, grandkids, friends and neighbors need me to be present and accounted for! This is not the time for extended naps! 

I think Churchill’s life was ordered by something larger than “chillin”… Christ’s pace also included exhausting periods of work, day after day of giving himself to others (Mark 1:32-34). On one occasion late into the evening, totally spent from ministry his disciples thought he was “out of his mind” (Mark 3:21). 

Mellow is one thing, layed back is okay for periods, rest is good; we all need breaks from the battles we face but sitting on the sidelines, missing the action, living is a self-protective disengagement is not the life I want.

I want Christ’s life. I want his pace and poise… knowing when to pull away from the “crowds” and the shore to get a break and take a nap. I want, and at times, need a kick in the butt to enter the fray.

I will protect my margins, those sacred periods of rest and renewal… and I want to give it all, when, where and how God wants me to. I want to conserve energy so that I can make the mark I am meant to.

So, when do we nap and when do we bust our butts?

Mark’s account of Jesus’ crowded day gives a clue, “…Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.” (1:35). Christ waited for his Father’s instructions and the strength to follow them. He discerned the Father’s will day by day in a life of prayer… he walked with God.

I long to walk with God, to sit with God... and, in limited amounts, nap with God!

- Craig McConnell

* Churchill by Paul Johnson, Viking Penguin, 2009, page 5.