Beans The Birthday Dog

My granddaughter named her lab puppy “Beans The Birthday Dog”. Not “Ranger” nor “Blue”, “Buddy”, “Max” or “Spot”… apparently “Wrangler” didn’t cross her mind nor “Fido”. I was told the abbreviated “Beans” was not acceptable… it’s Beans The Birthday Dog. And it fits perfectly.

I of all people should now the importance of a name.– Craig McConnell

29

Today my first born daughter turns 29… it was only a moment ago I held her for the first time promising her an unconditional-uninterrupted life of love that as a 27 year old father I knew nothing of. I pledged her a strength I didn’t yet have, a wisdom I would have 29 years later and my full engagement in her every season of growth. I would not spare the rod.  I would seize every teachable moment and grow her God’s way. This little gift would be celebrated, know the fear of the Lord, and be fathered in her unique and special gifting. I would always be there for her… I repeat, always there for her.  I meant every single word, and I fell short of each.

Every parent, no matter how godly and loving, falls short and in some way wounds their child. For a variety of reasons it’s inevitable.

Was it the night I didn’t get up to comfort her… letting her cry herself asleep? Was it my dismissal of her pain when she scraped her knee for the first time? Or my kinda- just- beneath- the- surface seething that oozed out during the teens years? Maybe it was grounding her for lying only to find out that she hadn’t. I’ll bet it was my impatience teaching her how to drive a stick shift… or some other moment I’m entirely unaware of?

I am a pretty good father.

I wish I had been the father I am now back when the girls were little.

Guess how I became the father I am now.

God used my children to grow me up… to father me… to sculpt me a little more into His image. I think God uses parenting to change/parent us more than he uses us to nurture our children (and in saying that I don’t for a moment want to minimize the affect/importance of our parenting upon our kids). At age 27 I couldn’t be the parent I am at 55. I’m not the father at 55 I will be at 70. That’s the way it is.

Seriously, God primarily used my kids to get to so many of the governing issues and abiding sins of my life. Unfortunately in that less-sanctified state I fell short as a dad and no doubt wounded my girls.

AND God has shown up for all of us.

I worship my gracious God who has both forgiven me and redeemed the oh so many failings… I love my daughters and now their daughters fully aware of the life my words, “you are beautiful… you fill my heart with sheer joy” bring them. And in moments together snuggling on the couch or sitting around enjoying a cup of coffee together or in aisle 7 looking for an iron at Target I tell stories of those difficult seasons, I share my story and I let them into the grief I have over my sin and the impact it must have had on them. And I leave the door open for them to raise with me anything I might have done/said that lingers… and we talk, snuggle, finish the coffee and pay for the iron.

They know my love… and it covers a multitude of sins.

And in all of this they, as parents, see all that awaits them… the unconditional-uninterrupted of love of their Heavenly Father. – Craig McConnell

Giving What We Don't Have

We live with a grievous void. Much of what God desired for us as children can only come through our parents.

Growing up we’ve received wounds and self sustaining messages that bloom into deep agreements. We view ourselves as deeply scarred, broken, damaged, and crippled… and we are. The void, the shame is real, deep, powerful… our wounds, their messages, the impact seems lasting. It often feels like the truest thing about us. Our every breath is a desperate attempt to relieve/lift/appease the shame/self-contempt/loathing that fills each day. Such is the affect of our wounded-ness.

And somewhere along the way we find God… and we find ourselves parents.

And to our children we give that which we never received. It’s glorious, strong, compassionate, deeply true, merciful, kind… it speaks more truly of who we are than the haunting messages of our wounds.

My wife Lori went into to our seven year old daughter’s room to tuck her in and say “goodnight”. It was the usual custom; Meagan would have her rub her back, her shoulders, her arms… with the repeated encouragement and gratefulness, “Oh mommy keep doing that… that feels so good!” One night out of the blue she asks Lori, “Did Papa (referring to Lori’s dad) rub your back at night mommy?” It was all too short of a pause before Lori said, “No… no, Papa never rubbed my back”.

Meagan’s response was to insist that they change roles/places and she began to give Lori a backrub. And Lori wept for what she never had.

A friend, Jenny, at times doubts that her heart is good. Her wounds, their messages all speak of her being damaged. It’s hard to see over the edge of our deep seated self contempt and thus, at times, that’s all we see. After sharing a bit of her self contempt, she shared about her two children, her love for them, their special times together and the joy being a mom brings her. I ask her where her ability to be such a good mom originates from if she’s so damaged. She was quiet and then she saw it! Something good abides within us.

Despite the wounds and the ceaseless messages that play and replay in our soul… something good abides within us. For many of us it surfaces in our parenting and our heart for our children.

Pause. Wait. Giving what we never received. What does the fact that we’re giving something we never got say about us?

It’s true… I am an image-bearer, a new creation, a new person… with a good heart… there is another message, a truer voice… a higher opinion of who I am. There is life… deep healing…maybe all that God has whispered into my soul is true!

Indeed we have something to give… in our parenting we see more clearly what’s true about us than we do from the haunting messages of the wounds from our parents.

– Craig McConnell (Journal entry 05/07)

Jeri

We get letters… emails… notes, all kinds of things actually from people God has romanced, healed, delivered… rescued or resurrected to life. Given our propensity for spiritual amnesia we need stories of God. Jeri sent in a bit of her story that I personally found encouraging... and a needed reminder of God.

Since last October nearly everything in my life has changed. I need to back up farther than that to reveal what a change it has been. My husband and I married in 2004 and separated in 2005. He moved out and across town, and I fell apart. My faith has always been there, but very "churchy". We recently moved to a new city, I had no friends, and a new career in a profession that rarely allows me to have anything beyond professional relationships with others.

Through a variety of twists and turns I found myself in a church and involved in a "girls group" that was filled with other  young professional women trying to figure out what this life is about. The very next week after I started this group we began reading Captivating. I was rocked. God carried me. Walked with me. Showed me so many things I thought I had all figured out. One of the girls in the 15-20 women group mentioned that there was a retreat coming up. I flippantly said sure, I will go if someone else will go. The 5 most amazing women "got-in". Honestly, before the trip we new each other, but would never have hung out beyond our monday night meetings.  The day we left all of us arrived at the airport worn out, battled, and barely able to remember why we were going out of town. We had one girl with no wallet, sick kids at home with grandparents, forgotten makeup, wars with loved ones, a house that desperately needed to sell being shown dirty, and frazzled spirits. We were a wreck. I laugh now, but then tears were brimming. Needless to say, our rainbow weekend in CO changed our lives, and formed a bond between the five of us that will last a lifetime.

While in Colorado I was desperately trying to come to grips with my pending divorce and Gods direction for me. He showed me some amazing things. First, He will always be with me, no matter the road I choose, I will find "His Will" in seeking him. Second, He gave me a name and a song. I laid in that bunk all night being romanced by a man that wowed me, and wouldn't abandon me ever.  I got up Sunday morning and ran down to the "book store" after spending the weekend telling God, " I am not buying him that book, I have given him books before, he doesn't read them, I get hurt... forget it"; I bought the book.

I had no idea how I was supposed to walk up to my EX and hand him a book, and tell him, "God told me to give this to you." I kept thinking how hoakie that sounds.

In February he attended Boot Camp. The courts actually lost our divorce papers, and by the time he came home and we could sign them again and re-submit them, we both had a change of heart...:)

Since then, we found a counselor who is grounded in your teachings and he is helping us get our questions answered the right way. It is so wonderful now. I can't even begin to explain the joy we have. My husband calls it his band of brothers... but has started a guys group with the men who are in relationship with my captivating girls. God is building a community all around us. We are so thankful.

Thank you for what you do. God is using you in so many ways. I wish I could somehow show you what your ministry is doing in the lives of so many people around us. It is astounding. Again, thank you. – Jeri