The Twerp

A friend, Vern, responded to one of my Blog entries with words that made me pause, sit up straight, look out the window and wonder.

I enjoy being caught off guard by the welling up of desire within from some unfolding drama (drama that I may or may not be directly involved in); from the words of others, from beauty or pain. Just yesterday I was on the ground jabbering and teasing the son of one of my colleagues here at RH and out of nowhere he says to me, “You’re goofy…”.

Surprise! There it was… the final assessment of my entire life…. Through the innocent and sweet playfulness of this 5 year old a tsunami of defining desire and terrible fear overwhelmed me. And though I chuckled and continued “goofing off” with him I was lost in the desire for my life to leave a lasting imprint and the aged fear that it may not!

Oh Lord… I so long to be a life-changer, a sage, the Friend of God, the General Douglas MacArthur of an army of warriors, the Michael Phelps of authentic intimate Christianity, a poet/writer,  the “real deal”… “goofy” isn’t the epitaph I’m living and dying for!

I don't want to be "goofy”!

I get up off the floor and gracefully left the little twerp to hide from our company in the woods for a few minutes and to cry out to God for his grace… his validation… his words.

He (God, not the twerp) is everywhere setting ambushes, leaping out from behind delightful kids, delayed flights, a song, the sound of crickets, an email from a friend… the disappointments of community. Through all this and more he raises up desire, fears, wounds… all sorts of things and invites us into the healing, comfort and holiness he offers. – Craig

The Neighbor's RV

And so after 3 delays the announcement is made that our United flight from Denver to LAX will be delayed another 2 hours! The frustration/anger/rage is palatable in the seating area at the gate… and is stoked with this announcement as the third different reason for the delay is given.

The guy sitting next to me goes Krakatoa on the United personnel leaving/fleeing the gate area (what must these dear souls do or kill to survive this on a daily/hourly basis?). It was the perfect storm of body language, a enraged red face with seething eyes, a sailors vocabulary, an exhibit of fine motor skill with his fingers coupled with the projection of an maniacal anger over his father wound, being beat up by a bully in third grade, losing the commission he had banked on, getting shorted on a purchase by the bookstore clerk and a marriage that after 12 years isn’t all he hoped it would be. He erupted. Big time.

And in a moment it was over… it was quiet. Everyone went back to reading USA Today, listen to ipods or moving towards the bar.

He remained sitting… I’m one seat over taking it all in. 10 minutes later he calls home and I overhear him… fathering his young son… with joy, fully engaged; sensitive, lovingly he listened and spoke as he caught up on his sons day before telling his wife that his arrival home is delayed again. In those moments he was the dad I hope I am.

The juxtaposition of the two moments was stark.

It’s amazing what lies just beneath the surface of many a good person.

Difficult circumstances, delayed flights, uncaring/unaffected people bring it all up. And somewhere in my thoughts I wondered about myself… and who might see something very similar in me.

So much that I want to avoid in life God is behind. I don’t like delayed flights, the cost of gas, controlling manipulative people, know-it-alls, budgets, health concerns, the neighbor’s RV parked in front of my house… and yet I know God uses “trials” to offer us life. Life in the deep dark regions of our being. – Craig McConnell