A Bowl of Chili

It’s Tuesday evening and I’m spent after a full day chasing my tail… accomplishing zero-zip-nada-nothing. I’m living life large on 3 cylinders futzing around the house hoping that by the time I plop my haggard soul into bed I will have, in some way, made a contribution to the Kingdom or at least to the general state of affairs in my domain (I reorganize my junk drawer, open the bills clipping them smartly to their envelopes and stacking them alphabetically, make a note to buy some AAA batteries, straighten up the bathroom sink…update my Facebook status and feed the dog.)

Mercifully Lori says dinner’s ready and I sit down to a hefty bowl of comfort food, i.e. chili topped with jack cheese, red onion, cilantro and sour cream. I’m taking my first bite as she updates me on our daughter’s weekend relational conflict with a friend saying, “You ought to read the follow-up letter she wrote to Audrey” (her out-of-sorts friend). I pull up my email and begin to read her letter. I didn’t/couldn’t take another bite of chili for 30 minutes.

The tears were familiar… pouring down their historic route. They were similar to the tears I shed welcoming my daughters into this world, akin to those saying “goodbye” when they each left for school in Europe, very much like my tears dancing with them at their weddings (as well as saying “good night” the night before the wedding, and the night before that…). They were very familiar… and very new. Catching me by surprise God showed up and began to touch, speak, move, stir… comfort and heal. I was overwhelmed with tears, the tears of a happy man…  the tears of a blessed man, a man who could have died and gone to heaven that very moment.

Meagan’s letter in word, spirit, texture and affect blew me away. Her handling of, and speaking to her friend’s heart and soul was kind, forgiving, full of understanding, courageous, strong, inviting and authentic. Her world view, love of God, maturity and pursuit of her friend jumped out to me. She is the person I hope to be someday.

Is there a day a father doesn’t bear some weight, a burden we’ve grown so accustomed to we hardly notice it… a question about our children’s journey and who they’re becoming and how they’ll “turn out”? It lies just beneath the waterline of consciousness surfacing from time to time. Added to this acclimatized strain we carry is another question inseparable from the former… it’s a notch deeper perhaps and it’s all about us. “How am I doing as a father? Am I screwing her up… do I have what it takes… is all this effort ‘working’… will she be everything I have hoped and prayed… is God at work?”  We are often and deeply afraid of what we’ve done, are doing and will do as a parent.

She’s too young to get her ears pierced… right? Is Barbie a corrupting model of femininity/beauty? What do I do about the influence her “friends” are having on her? Why am I so easily infuriated? What about the music she loves, movies she watches, clothes she wears… egads! Did the time I let her cry in her crib when everything in me said to go in and comfort her wound her… or was it that fit of anger when she came home late… yikes! How about the church youth group… it’s dead! Will she know and love God intimately or be merely compliantly religious. I think I blew it with the Beverly Hills 9012487 parties… and the NKOTB concert. Was my discipline too strict or lenient? I should have emphasized school more… the guy she’s dating is a flake!#$@? Oh God… dear God come for her… come for me!

I have worried and wondered… paced the floor, pounded the ground, cried out to God, beat myself up as as a father and doubted God’s clear-strong-whispered words over the years… “Craig, your daughters… they’re mine, I’ve got them, we’re tight, we’re good. Don’t worry. Don’t be afraid, don’t panic… trust me… love Me, love them.”

And until this letter I doubted God and his words to me.

No longer.

Seeing my daughter through her letter made it all very clear. My every concern about how she might “turn out” was dismissed, every worry stilled, the questions settled. He said, “Craig, you are a good father… look at your girls”. I was happily sobered and embarrassed that I had ever doubted him and his work in her and through me.

I could not nor is it possible to be prouder of my girls at this stage of their lives. They quite simply are beautiful in everyway.

As for me as a dad… God could not, nor is it possible for him to be prouder of me. I’m his, he’s mine, we’re tight, we’re good.

What a bowl of chili! – Craig

Comments

[JD]

Craig,

How much longer do we have to wait until you write a book? You really have a gift of communication, and a weighty message from your life. I long for the day you get published!

[Tara]

Craig... that you for your words, your vulnerability. Even though it hurts, I love the familiar ache that I feel, wishing my father saw and understood God the way you do. I ache for him to know God, but that ache drive me to my true Father in a way that nothing else could.

You are a great dad. Thank you.

Grace & peace,
Tara

[jill dyer]

craig,

beautiful. your post made me yearn and rest at the same time.

thank you.

[Rocco]

Wow,

I have two daughters and have been wrestling with that which you ended with "Oh God… dear God come for her… come for me!" for a few weeks lately. This post is timely and a delight to have read. I look forward to the day when they are more then my daughters, when they are my allies in this cosmic battle for the hearts of mankind. What joy!

Rocco

[Drew]

Bravo Craig!

[David Felts]

Craig, thanks again. I check for your posts almost daily hoping that there will be a new one, because you speak to my father's heart unlike anyone I've ever known. It is my prayer that I will spend more time in the presence of the Father on behalf of my kids, and after reading this post, I'm comforted in the knowledge that I'm not the only man that wonders if he has blown it with his kids.
My 13 year old daughter at this point in her life acts as if she never wants to be around me and it hurts. I just keep working on loving her more and more...but it is literally the hardest thing that I've ever had to do as a dad.
Thanks for your encouragement, and transparency to let me see the real you...you are an awesome man of God and real to the core....thanks bro...

[Doug Nolte]

Craig

Wow! My oldest is only 9, but I needed to read this. Thanks!

I sometimes feel the only thing I can do as a father is shake my head, point toward heaven and say, "Do as He says, not as I do"

Doug

[Marie Breskic]

I have two girls, one is two and the other five and you just described exactly my daily fears and sighs to God about them as people and raising them - but yes I know I should not worry about them or myself as a parent. I ask for God's advice and I follow, well most of the time anyway:) The other day I told God again about my worries and he said "Don't worry. I will help you." How easy it is to forget that God HELPS and he helps in simple, unexpected ways. Thank you for showing me I am not alone!

[Paul Carlson]

Craig,

I love checking your blogs. Everytime I visit it seems to be about the things God is having me take inventory on and show me that I am not alone.

For the sake of your time long stroy short.

My father bolted three months before I was born. Even though he lives in the same city he never made enough time for me. He might do the once a year baseball or hockey game taking me out for my birthday (that he did do regularly) and vist to drop off a card and say" well I have people to see and things to do. But he was so absent. He left me high I got nothing from him.

Now I have two beautiful boys of my own and I always fear that my boys will grow up a total mess because I got cheated out of the " How to be a Father" field manual. Reading your blog it puts it so simply. God wants me and my inner most and when I'm there that very reflection to my boys is of the Heavenly Father who is the true author of the how to be a father field manual. He tells me over and over again "give it to me" give them to me" It seems that if I can just live my life for Christ my boys will see that and utimately know who their true father is. It can only be done through him. Sorry for the rant it is just that I relate soo much and appreciate you humbleness and honesty. God Bless Friend.

Paul

[Craig McConnell]

JD - Well... I'm working on it. I actually want to share some of what's going on in that arena. Few are the things I enjoy more than writing AND YET the vulnerability is gynormous. I appreciate your words and prayers. I'll say more about this soon. Thanks JD. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Tara,
It's pretty incredible how we're able to offer what we never had ourselves. The restorative work of Christ shaping me more and more into the man/husband/father he intends me to be. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Jill,
Now that's what I'm talking about..."your post made me yearn and rest at the same time." Desire and rest/contentment. Ever hungering for more always enjoying the presence of God. May we live in that! Thanks Jill! - Craig

[Stacy]

Craig... be sure someone tells your daughter to read this. As I'm sure you know, it will mean more to her heart than anyone can imagine. I don't doubt for a minute that you've told her a billion times how precious she is to you... but there's always been something so powerful to know what people say ABOUT us rather than TO us, like getting to listen in on a treasured secret. The love and pride you've expressed in this post is a treasure her heart must NOT miss out on.

[Craig McConnell]

Stacy,
Actually I called her that evening... after the bowl of chili and as soon as I could talk... I gush all over my girls pretty regularly. She, as well, knows about this blog. You're so right... so many men I meet will share their deep hearts for their spouse and/or kids and seem paralyzed in expression their passion personally. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Oh Rocco... they will always be your daughters, and you will always be "dad/daddy" or "paps" or "father...pops". And there will be no warmer words you'll ever hear.
Thanks for your response. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Doug... I feel your faith. - Craig

[John]

Hey Craig, I can tell you are a great dad. As I read your post I could not help but think of who my little Nattie is today. I can't imagine what she will be like when she is grown. God teaches us so much through our Daughters. I thank him every day for mine. Sugar and spice all the way. Thanks for posting once again.

[Vern Hyndman]

;-)

Once in a while, we see ourselves he way HE sees us... and as you relish the joy of a well fathered daughter, and hear the echoes of love in her words, I'm sure God relishes the joy of His own fatherhood of you. You are a conduit of Him, and the world can see Him through your life and words.

-vern-

[Craig McConnell]

Marie, Indeed you are not alone! So many things are going on in this stage of your life as a mother. God IS using you to nuture, draw out, love, shape/develope and guide your dear ones. And God IS using your little ones to nuture, draw out, love, shape, heal, affirm, strengthen and guide you into an abiding life. God bless you Marie! - Craig

[meagan mcconnell]

dad i love reading and hearing your storys, thanks for the shout out! you are the best, And i love you to pieces. Jared also enjoyed reading your suprise blog:)
xoxo so cal misses you its 80 degrees!

[Mark Mielbrecht]

Craig,
How glorious to see how how God has taken all you have brought to parenting your precious daughters and has made something beautiful and inspiring to so many others! I too have similiar fears and thoughts as I attempt to raise two young boys and a five year old daughter. So you say the secret is in the chili? Are you gonna post the recipe?

[Doug]

Craig,

I'm real thankful for you and your words this morning. Father of five kids (Two boys, two girls and another boy). Just yesterday, we discovered we are pregnant again. And, I'm so torn. The days and years seem so long. I feel so laboured. And, another little one now. I anguish over my heart for them and what I have done and can do. Thank you.

Doug

[Learning The Hard Way]

Craig,
As the father of two girls ages 10 and 14 I find myself worrying about how I will feel when they leave home. In addition to that I work out of town and dont get to see them nearly as much as I would like. They are soooo precious to me. How can I have peace knowing that in a few short years there will be no more family vacations, nights together playing games, etc. This has really been weighing on me lately.

[Doug]

Hey LTHW,

I hear you. I also hear you saying "I don't GET to see them as much as I would like."

I had to CHOOSE to see them as much as I would like. It meant leaving one job, praying our hearts out and God providing another. I'm in ministry. I now work 20 hours less each week and our pay was increased. BUT, it did take a willful choice (and does daily) and a lot of prayer and courage.

I don't know your situation particulars obviously but I also know enough to say that there are more people who COULD make it work than DO. Be one that DOES.

Doug

[Craig McConnell]

Paul,
Thank you for your warm words.
You're on the right path... the best parent is a godly parent. We may have been missed as a child, deeply wounded, seemingly unskilled AND YET, the transforming presence of Christ and a heart trimmed to love well makes one a great parent. Your building a legacy thats good... very good.

[Craig McConnell]

Vern,
Oh my gosh! I read through my journals of the years when my girls were young... God has/is changing me. I remember how much fear governed me and my parenting. How uncertain I was of my fathering... how confused with all the conflicting "Parenting Approaches"... the guilt. Looking back, which is so often a great perspective, I see God's hand and the faithfulness of his gentle whisper to me throughout those "tough" times that my kids were His. thanks for your response Vern. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Mark... Lori wrote out the receipe last night for me to share with you... and I'm going through my wallet, car console, bible, desk top and... I can't find it!?#%@!*
I'll keep looking but in the meantime: it had some red beans and some big white ones and maybe another color, throw in a little turkey, season to taste... add some tomatoes (or tomato puree or paste... i think?) heat it up, and serve with grated cheese, fresh cilantro, diced onion and cold beer of choice. Bon Apetit! - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Doug,
Listen to you! You sound an awfully lot like your Father... God and His lavish heart longing for eternal intimacy/family/communion with you.
Live... Live everyday. It's a cliche and it's true, before you know it... they're all grown up and gone (and that's a good thing yet a transition few of us are really prepared for). Stay with it Doug... sounds like your doing great! - Craig

[Brian]

Craig, would you mind giving us the address to your Facebook page?

[Craig McConnell]

Learning the hard way,
As time goes by, I think, the desires of a heart alive (for love, impact, intimacy, family, joy) face the limits of this life or as John Eldredge puts it, Act III of The Larger Story. This initially breeds grief, then hope. Enjoy your every breath... it only gets better. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Doug,
I'm in a very difficult season. I'm finding that the stories of others's faith and journeying with God is like springs a living water for a parched part of my soul. Your words were/are life for me. Thank you. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Brian,
Giving out my facebook address to a broad audience feels like ringing a bell I wouldn't be able to unring. So... at this time I'm not accessible to a wide circle of folk through facebook. I appreciate your interest and courage trusting you understand my boundaries. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Brian,
I'm not putting my Facebook address out "there" for general exposure for once I ring that bell I can't "unring" it. I appreciate your interest and freedom to ask as I hope you can understand my boundary. - Craig