Cheetos

I was asked by a friend to speak to his seminary class on Desire & Addiction. Knowing a bit about both I agreed. After hearing that the class is one hour and fifty minutes long I recklessly do a cannonball into the pool of diminishment.

I don’t have an hour and 50 minutes in me!?*$ What am I going to talk about? I mean really… How am I going to get out of this without being exposed as The Man With Nothing to Say? *

I’ll break them into discussion groups, or have them take a 45 minute time of silent reflection alone with God. I’ll talk  r e a l l y   s  l  o  w… show several  film clips… read the book of Leviticus together, ask them a zillion questions. End early!!!

My prep time for the class becomes a rendezvous with God as I muse over my story of desire and addiction, of my looking in all the wrong places for that which God lavishly offers. He’s smiling, we’re communing and my yearning/craving of intimacy Him surfaces. I’m drawn to Psalm 73:25…

Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 

Ahhh… I could scream I want that so bad… to only and simply; truly and purely desire God at the most crucial governing level of my being.

Oh God may it be so! Lord, come, overwhelm me and make me that man… I desire you alone, nothing more, nothing less… I long for you to be my all.

So aware of His presence I’m basking in grace as I read old journal entries and ponder my story of wandering… of unfaithfulness… of spiritual adultery… of turning to other lovers. There are my affairs with drugs as a fine young Bohemian, my soirees as a redirected young Christian with endorphins (from running) and wild adventures (with all prerequisite gear). Then, a few years later, as a reverend pastor my serial liaisons with sports talk, alphabetizing my wife’s spice cabinet;** the mistress of theological astuteness, the applause of others and books (what an office I had… rich dark floor-to-ceiling bookshelves surrounding me accented by warm hued lighting… over-stuffed chairs, the mahogany desk… it all said, “come in… relax, let’s talk, I can help… I really am somebody… somebody godly”). More recently my third rate romances have been indiscriminate unprotected tangos with food.

It’s pretty easy for me to minimize my idolatry… or addictions as merely a few bad habits. No big deal, in time they’ll simply fall away. And besides, it’s not like I’m a pre-civilized pagan who makes a stick of wood his God!

Half of the wood he burns in the fire;
Over it he prepares his meal,
He roasts his meat and eats his fill.
From the rest he makes a god, his idol;
He bows down to it and worships
He prays to it and says,
“Save me; you are my god.” – Isaiah 44:16-17

Now that’s ridiculous! And yet, as I mock the foolishness of another’s addictions I’m the one gobbling down a bag of Cheetos after a difficult conversation with my wife (or while: balancing the checkbook, anticipating an upcoming confrontation/decision, or awaiting the pathology report on that funky looking mole they removed, or thinking about my daughter’s school work or…).

Cheetos! I’m actually choosing a wad of fluorescent artificial orange enriched corn meal, vegetable oil, whey, salt, cheddar cheese, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, maltodextrin, disodium phosphate, artificial flavor, monosodium glutmate, lactic acid, citric acid  over the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob? Over the God of all comfort, strength, hope, peace and joy? Over the One who says come… trade in all your sorrows and burdens, worries, doubts, losses and concerns? Now that’s ridiculous!

I find myself grieving my idolatry and addictions, expressing again to God my sorrow in choosing innumerable hussies over Him… my heart was repentant.

18 hours later I’m waxing eloquently on desire and addiction to a class of about 30. It’s going phenomenally well. As I’m speaking I realize I have a lot to say about this topic… that whole diminishment thingamajigger that shadows me is exposed once again!

I’m sharing my story of desires and addictions and offer one of my favorite quotes on the issue:

Ecstasy and delight are essential to the believers soul and they promote sanctification.  We were not meant to live without spiritual exhilaration, and the Christian who goes for a long time without the experience of heart-warming will soon find himself tempted to have his emotions satisfied from earthly things and not, as he ought, from the Spirit of God.  The soul is so constituted that it craves fulfillment from things outside itself and will embrace earthly joys for satisfaction when it cannot reach spiritual ones . . .  The believer is in spiritual danger if he allows himself to go for any length of time without tasting the love of Christ and savoring the felt comforts of a Savior’s presence.  When Christ ceases to fill the heart with satisfaction, our souls will go in silent search of other lovers . . .” - Maruice Roberts

That’s it! (Read it again).

Designed by God for so very much we appropriately desire much. We’re pursuing the ecstasy… the delight… the life we are fashioned for… and we’ll either find it or die trying; thus we turn to chunks of wood, extra crunchy Cheetos, the pleasure of endorphins or pornography, shopping or success, our spouse or kids, morality, indulgence or control. Our idolatry/addictions are the misdirected/sinful/foolish pursuits that expose our deep and profound need for God… that hasn’t yet been satisfied fully.***

The class is going great! I’m clear; I’m “on”… God is present… I’m blessed – flying free, soaring in the updraft of God’s Spirit and all I understand of the topic. The only bummer was, surprisingly, I had too much to say. I still had an hour of sagely insight with 5 minutes of class time left. That threw me off kilter. The last 5 minutes was not a clean ending… a rather bumpy, turbulent landing lacking the hallmark closing illustration, point of personal application and appeal to action. It was cut and paste on the fly. I hit the ground hard, blew a tire, bent my prop and slid for a while. The prof and a few people were gracious with their words to me at the end of the runway.

Driving home I kept thinking about my crappy finish.

YES I shimmered for 1 hour and 45 minutes… God was there for me and them… it was great!!! Thank you Christ!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

At the same time and gaining volume that thingamajigger was rasping, Yuck, if only I had said this, or that… used the story of the cookies in Minneapolis, shared my insights about Jeremiah 2, why didn’t I think of that or this … Dang I left my best stuff out of the talk altogether!!! I cannot shake the feeling that I stunk the place up in those last 5 minutes ruining everything I has said to that point. Always intertwined with shame/disappointment is desire…  and so mine rose, I long to bring the life and truth of God to others… to disrupt, open eyes and ears to Christ, to introduce men and women to the God who is and always has been pursuing them… to lead people into the richness of all God offers us… to know and enjoy Him forever. I want that! I’m ping-ponging between genuine elation over God’s goodness in using me and the self reproach of not finishing strong.

After holding up traffic on the interstate as I pokey along for about 30 miles I exit off the freeway. I’m in some sort of conscious-yet-sedated state lingering between desire and disappointment. I pull up to a Sonic Burger, drive through and order a shake and onion rings.     

In that moment I’m unaware there’s a God, the angels seem mute, whatever holiness I possess is impotent, I have no conscience… I’m on a mission… kill the pain supplement the joy.

Ten minutes and half an order of onion rings later I’m alert, regaining consciousness, flying down the interstate at 80 with congealed grease all over my finger tips and a vanilla mustache. I’m back!  And before guilt/condemnation/shame can chime in God shows up! He’s smirking… like a parent who, while disapproving of their child’s behavior is holding back the laughter for fear the child would understand the grin and chuckles as an approval of the misbehavior. Oh, He’s disappointed that I, like Judah, would turn to other lovers, my
unfaithfulness… my adultery concern Him.  AND yet through the smiling eyes there is grace; an intimate understanding of my heart/desires; forgiveness; and the same invitation I gave the class. An invitation into the love of Christ; the savoring of the felt comforts of the Savior’s presence; a heart satisfied, delighted and at rest in the love of The Father.

The last 5 minutes of the drive were the best 5.

– Craig McConnell

*   “Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.” – George Eliot

**   The dilemna was: where do you place Black Pepper? Under “Black” or under “Pepper”?

***    I cannot recommend John Eldredge’s book Desire and Gerald May’s book Addiction and Grace more highly on these thoughts. Both are incredible books offering insight, grace and hope!

 

Comments

[Ricker]

As I’m munching down Reese's Peanut Butter Cups 1, 2, 3, 4 . . . and reading your blog trying to avoid the mound of paperwork that I need to get done. Feelings of inadequacy swell as I feel the pressure of time slipping by and the curse of never ending paperwork. But the peanut butter cups sure taste good. Thank-you for helping me know that I am not alone in my addictions and turning to the plethora of crap that this world has to offer. Oh, how I want to be filled with the comfort of Christ’s presence! Thank you for also for God’s view of a man who is seeking after His heart. I am encouraged.

[Mark]

Wow. Just wow. Some of the best stuff I've read all year. You rock Craig, when you are what God made you to be and you don't hold back.

[Don]

It seems you know MY story...... I am not alone. Called to preach at a young age I have spent my life pursuing the "harlot".....it seems better than the "duty" we're told to pursue. It IS better..... but you and John are really helping me see truth. Thanks Craig! I want to spend the rest of my days helping people see this

[David Felts]

Well that really puts my, "I'm not getting what I need from my wife" speech I gave myself this morning on the way to work in the crapper....Craig once again you've hit a home run with this one...thanks for helping me pull my head up and see what is really important....and for keeping me on the straight and narrow...you've got a great heart...thanks bro

[Glenn]

Thank you, Craig. I am a young pastor who is battling similar things. Every week I have to preach. And every week God seems to come through with something amazing. Yet, every week. Every. Single. Week. I get myself all worked up ...

"I'm going to forget my sermon."

"I'll get lost in the middle of it."

"I don't have anything good to say."

And then I turn to something to make it feel good. Usually, food - chips and salsa are my Cheeto's.

... And every week, when I'm done, God has come through and I say to myself, "Wow. I learned my lesson. I will put my desires in God and will turn to Him with a wild trust."

It's Saturday night. And the feelings are racing back.

Like your trip to Sonic, I just finished some chips and salsa. I feel God's smile, too.

Thanks, Craig.

[Vern Hyndman]

Wish I coulda been in the class.

Surrender is living in the tension between control and resignation... of living expectantly... and in the midst of surrender we hear God the best.

Wanna watch a cool movie on how God loves us out of idolatry, check out "Lars and the Real Girl"... love always wins, even when we choose a plastic fiance.

Isn't it amazing how we're so gracious with others, but quick to condemn ourselves... Manning talks about the passage where Jesus talks about "the least of these", and doing for them is doing for Him... and if WE were "the least of these", could we do for ourselves? The epiphany for me in addictions was that the very control that I was TRYING to use to conquer them was DRIVING them... sorta like rubbing a grape jelly stain INTO a sweater while trying to accomplish the opposite.

The image you have, of God sharing His love for you in the midst of a greasy burger... of being amused and inviting you into more while while grease is still on your fingers... that's the picture of extravagant love.

[charlie]

Great stuff. I would have loved to been there in class as well. You are among the most transparent men I know.

[Doug]

Thanks again. . . your words send me to my Father. . .as I read what happened to you. . . I think of failure. . . comfort for pain. . . running from God. . . anguish. . .forgiveness. . . love. . . grace and "my place in the battle."

[Jay]

I was actually in that class, and I want to let you know that God has used your words profoundly in my life!

Thanks for your willingness to be transparen.

God bless,

Jay

[Craig McConnell]

Ricker,
You are certainly not alone. We're all wanderers/addicts of something... knowing it puts in a posture of desperately needing grace. I share your desire for intimacy with Christ. Come Jesus! - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Mark,
Thank you. I'm enjoying myself immensely. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Don,
Duty doesn't do it does it? Nor does the idolatry of indulgence or control. We're on the same path my friend, the same path. Strength and Honor - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

David,
For me to begin to scribble out some of the stories and reflections I have on marriage I'm not sure I'd touch any other subject for quite a while.
My hope is that by the time I'm 87 I'll actually love Lori has she was meant to be loved by a man/husband... till then I continue the back and forth of going to her for my strength and offering her a genuine strength I've found from God. - Craig

[rich]

Bravo! You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself and mixing it with humor to help make your points.
Some years ago I was at a men's advance (Fri.pm to Sun.noon) and there was every conceivable junk food there you could imagine - in extreme abundance! It was available non-stop beginning to end. Being one who enjoys grazing, I partook with some restraint; nevertheless, by Sunday noon, I was miserable. On the way home the Lord told me that what I was really hungry for was Him, and I settled for junk food. Needless to say, the next year, I exercised far more restraint at the junk food table, and I went home far more satisified. Even now that comes back to me as I am tempted to settle for some "other god". Would that I could tell you that I never settle, sad to say that I do. Perhaps is has to do with the Maurice Roberts quote.

[Learning The Hard Way]

Craig,
It is Friday after Thanksgiving, hanging out at my in-laws,reading Walking With God and your Cheetos story.
I have to confess it did bring back memories of an old Cheetos joke about a recently divorced man going to the doctor with his privates turning orange. Ah but I digress. Sorry.
Between you and John, I have never seen such transparent ministers. I have had my wife and two daughters read passages of his book this morning and after lunch will have them read your Cheetos story. We all have idols and I am asking God to reveal ALL of mine to me so I can be rid of them. He is revealing the agreements that I have made that I have not been aware of.
Anyway, lots going on here. God is speaking. Got to run, my oldest wants me to dry her hair and I am going to cherish that moment.
Thanks for the transparency, Craig.

[Craig McConnell]

Glenn, I hope your church gets a glimpse of your battles and the gracious fathering heart of God for you... and them! Our battles are our best source of sermons. Thanks for your vulnerability... we have much in common. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Vern, I would have loved to have you in the class. The two of us could REALLY make a seminary class interesting! Love ya man! - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Charlie... good deal, you can join Vern and me! I'd enjoy sitting back and listening to you two... maybe throw out a few questions and do my best to disrupt things. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Thanks Doug.

[Craig McConnell]

Jay,
I enjoyed the class. It stirred up a desire I've had for years: to teach in a seminary environment... or to teach an ongoing class to eager learners. Hope your studies bring you into a deep abiding relationship with Christ and will prepare/train you well. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Rich,
It's Monday morning. We just finished our Boot Camp conference south of Sydney Australia (I'm in a hotel room waiting for our flight back to Colorado in a couple of hours...). Anyway... talk about grazing. If I lived in the country I'd either be 25 kilos heavier or a whole lot holier. We were served the expected three square meals per day... and then there were 2 tea times and following dinner a supper which included a variety of cakes. Our staff lodging always has 7 tins/containers/packages of cookies and bisquits open and available. Carbs were jumping out of the jungle, lurked behind the couch, tempted you on the way to the shower, siezed you on the way back.... I so want the life and comfort ONLY God can provide. - Craig

[Michael Cusick]

Craig, I was in this class too. I read of your desire to teach ongoingly in a seminary environment. I'd like to discuss team teaching this class next fall. I will have to do random, involuntary UA's to screen for Cheetos.

Michael

[Craig McConnell]

Michael... WOW!!! Let's talk via email regarding your offer... WOW!!

In this particular season the screening would have to include fudge, iced sugar cookies (homemade... not store bought), poppy-cock, hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps, honey-back hams, fudge, peanut butter brittle, pork tamales, donuts, whip cream, Walker's shortbread anything...

[Craig McConnell]

Vern… don’t get me going on disco! I can’t dance it, but man there are times when my “Disco” play list cranks… a little KC & The Sunshine Band is a great way to end a week… or begin one if you live in Pittsburgh. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Regarding addictions...

"Sometimes I think it's a shame when I get feeling better when I'm feeling no pain...Sometimes I think it's a sin when I feel like I'm winning when I'm losing again." - Gordon Lightfoot, Sundown

This song came up on a playlist of mine and caught my attention and a reality. - Craig

[Amy@ Joy of my Heart]

Woo wee... awesome post!

A great definition came to me through something I was reading one day, addiction is taking a "physical" solution and applying it to a "spiritual" need. You can't do it. I wondered for so long why addiction was so stinkin' insatiable?? And when Jesus spoke that to my heart... it clicked... If the tables were turned, and I was "physically" hungry, I wouldn't go and run to the Bible and start reading in hopes that my stomach would quit growling. Right? Nah, I would go and make myself a sandwich. Then why in the world would I, in my desperation and need for comfort and peace, (a spiritual hunger) why would I meet that need by making myself a sandwich or by eating a package of Oreos?

It's like trying to fit a square peg into a circle hole. It won't work...it doesn't work. The hunger keeps going on and on, until it is met with the right solution. Only a spiritual need can be met with a spiritual solution.

Do you mind if I use that quote from Maurice Roberts on my blog??
That is just dead on!

Thanks for being so transparent! I was laughing out loud when you were struggling with yourself, driving home from your talk on Desire and Addiction...LOL! I knew where it was going! Sonic here he comes :) LOL!!

Bless you! Amy

[Amy@ Joy of my Heart]

Oh oh!! One more thing...

A song that is one I play over and over again is called "Shadowfeet" by Brooke Fraser....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4KiGN1j1No

I won't paste the whole song, but I sooo love these words in particular...

"There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumors of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way"

"You make all things new."

"When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you"

~ Amy