It's About God!

I am in Australia with the Ransomed Heart team about to begin our four day Boot Camp. A good part of the day is spent preparing my heart and words for the sessions I lead. I often suffer from a spiritual amnesia: forgetting much about God... his faithfulness to me through the years... his heart for me... who I am and all that he's called me to be and to offer to others; and so I peruse my journals for stories and truth. This particular journal entry jumped out.

I've recognized and felt that the presence of God trumps our giftedness, skill, wisdom and best efforts to minister and/or speak for him. I can't count the times I've said, "You could be speaking on world geography and if God shows up people will be blessed, healed, saved... transformed." This weekend exposed that I really haven't believed that to be true.

In seminary I had a class on preaching that involved ten of us preaching at/to one another for a couple of semesters. We’d evaluate, react and encourage one another’s content, style and organization. At the end of the term the prof gave each of us our final evaluation verbally in front of the class.

A classmate, Anthony, was not an articulate or engaging speaker. He knew his material; was genuine; soft-spoken had a string bean stature and obese insecurities. The prof told him that he was actually, in the larger scheme of things, in a good place as a young preacher adding, “Whereas Craig has natural skills and abilities that will make him a good communicator he will be prone to rely on his own abilities and not God. You Anthony, have no margin. You’re not a natural communicator and the absence of those gifts leaves/parks/rivets you in a place of on-going dependence upon God. And Anthony, that’s the best place to be as a preacher.”

Looking back I realize I took my professors remarks regarding me as a form of validation. His comments lit the path to a validation I was starving for. I was talented. I am good at something! A man with a doctorate… a seminary prof thinks I’m a natural!! Eureka!

What was offered to me as a warning, as sagely counsel, I took as direction/an invitation to life. Life apart from God.

I was young, naïve. Foolish.

My appraisal of Anthony was that he wouldn’t make it as a teacher/preacher… I couldn’t see God matching his against-all-odds work through Moses, Gideon and David in Anthony.   

So, Friday night I’m speaking on “The Centrality of the Heart” and “The Masculine Heart” to a group of 200 reserved Presbyterian men. It was a less-than-stellar session. A film clip I planned to use was botched by the tech guy, I slogged through a point or two, lacked energy, was slurring my speech… it was definitely not a home run, it was a sliding double.

As is common for me after a muddled/unhinged session like that I was growling.

At God.

Why isn’t this easier? I’m putting myself out there for you… dealing with the deeper issues of my heart; battling the warfare; refining, tinkering, editing my sessions constantly; praying, consecrating myself and all I have to you… and it seems like it’s always a one star result.*  I’ve got intercessors praying for heavens sake!  Though I’d love to see signs and wonders I’m not expecting that… it just seems like there ought to be more… and it ought not to be so hard. I mean really!?!%$#? How many willing vessels do you have out there working their fool-ass/buns off to bring the transforming power and truth of the Gospel to others?

At myself.

I’m such a smuck! Why can’t I do this? What is it about me that makes this so hard? It seems to come much easier for others with less talent, less mature, less self-aware and readily available. My God, watch the parade of whackos on some of the "Christian" television programming… they seem to have some sway with God... What’s wrong with me? I may not be a sea gull, but I feel like an auk, tern or sandpiper.**  I will never realize my deepest dreams and desires for my life. (Believe me this is the condensed version).

There’s a silence.

My growling stops and God pops out of nowhere.

In a medley of God’s voice and some older-true-self voice saying…

How astonishingly self absorbed I am! I finish my session and I immediately go to, “How did I do…? Did I deliver God on a silver platter? Are they stunned into repentance and yearning for God? How’d I do? How’d I do? How’d I do?”

Silence.

And then the voice that was disruptive, convicting, hopeful and liberating…

The vital question/issue really isn’t how I did… it’s more along the lines of “did God show up for the men?”

And in a twinkling of an eye  a whole lot of stuff becomes clear.

I’ve been in an eddy concerned about my performance… subconsciously replaying, reviewing; critiquing my points; illustrations, pace, my connection to the audience and their engagement; evaluating, re-evaluating, no audience reaction or response is insignificant… everything is data to adjust, edit and craft the session that will bring the kingdom of God to everyone graced to be under my tutelage.

The truth is I never really viewed myself as more than a journeyman communicator and I realize I have no margins. I need God to show up… I haven’t learned what ongoing dependence upon God looks like.

I can talk about world geography and if God shows up people will be healed, saved, transformed… I can talk about the Centrality of the Heart with everything I’ve got and if God isn’t in it I might as well have been talking about geography.

Christianity 101.

At some core level I’ve been more focused/passionate about… committed to my being anointed/blessed than I have been on God showing up for the men.

How incredibly self absorbed I am!

I’ve considered myself as indispensable… necessary to the process of their transformation and, as a result bore the weight that “I must come through”… Lives depend upon it.

I depend upon it!

I remember Anthony. I am Anthony.

In that moment, as is often the case when God exposes and then invites, some reorientation takes place. I abandoned my agreement/connection/rooted-ness on my consuming self-absorption, my priestly indispensability.

And somewhere in my Christianity 101-adolescent self I enjoyed myself, God and speaking to a group of wild eyed Presbyterian men more than I have in a while.

Craig McConnell

* Using the Michelin awards guide of one to three stars to indicate quality.

** I'll have to write about the significance of the reference to being a "sea gull" at another time. In brief my dad, in anger, referred to me as a "sea gull... all you're good for is sitting, squawking and shitting". Needless to say it was a wounding label that I have nothing to offer.

Comments

[Glenn]

Wow, Greg. I'm sitting here feeling very small. I was in a preaching class about 2 years ago and felt like I was reading my own story when you were telling yours.

It never was as clear as it is now. How often I focus on my anointing and worry about committing to it more so than I concern myself with whether my heart is right with God and aligned with Him so that He can shine through to others.

Thanks for the word. How do you go about your sessions while knowing that this is an issue for you? Does it cause you to prepare differently? Edit and tinker less? Or does it cause you to prepare the same, but invite God in all the more?

[Glenn]

... Umm, actually, I meant Craig. Not Greg. haha.

[jill dyer]

I love it! I love how God reorients us when we need it most. Ok...I don't love how off track we can get so quickly, but God's continual coming through for us can make us do nothing but trust his wisdom for those we desire to love.

I couldn't help but giggle at your small tirade towards God. I do that so often. I believe it is good because there is certianly no pretending.

I can't help but to mention also - the things you see as your less than admirable qualities (your foibles, imperfections etec) are some of the things that actually make you very endearing. I loved on your last podcast (the first of the advent series) how you began it by saying "What? Do I just start?" or something of that nature. Truly, it is disconcerting to listen to someone who sounds like they have it all together. It is life-giving to listen to someone who is real right before your "very ears." Or eyes. Whatever applies at the moment. :-)

Blessings to you all in Australia!

[Evelyn]

My husband is at the conference with you in Australia. I am in Houston and will be speaking tomorrow to a group of about 500 about God's faithfulness. Thank you for the reminder that it is truly all about Him and bringing Him glory, not in the delivery of the message. It is difficult to get the ego shoved aside and let God be God. But what a great, magnificent, faithful God He is!! Take good care of my husband!

[Rocco]

Beautiful Craig!

Thank you for being so real. That makes you a great man!

Rocco

[Phillip]

Craig,

You are definitely more than a seagull. You definitely have more to you than a seagull, and if your Squid Dad hasn't realized that yet, well, his loss, not yours. You have alot to offer Christianity. I just realized thru scripture that I'm annointed, I'm just learning to deal w/ it. This helps me alot,
Seagull, My Marine Butt. Thank you for the knowledge you give in your posts, very helpful to newly found Christians such as myself. Thank you for your wisdom.

[Learning The Hard Way]

Craig,
I can relate to your comments on a couple of levels. I had all the talent in the world in my previous career but considered myself a failure.I tried everything to succeed;self help seminars, counseling, etc. What I didnt try was God.
Now, as I own my own business, he has humbled me and is teaching me to depend on him, not myself. Pls pray that I continue to learn and quickly cause this ain't no fun.
Thanks for a great post, Craig. Your weaknesses bring insight to a lot of us.

[David Felts]

Craig, maybe you had a sliding double (you thought) but I feel as if you hit a grand slam with this blog. Thanks bro, I really appreciate your openess and willingness to be open, that is one of the things that I love about you man....you rock!

[Charlie]

Craig, this was simply amazing.

[Vern Hyndman]

Craig, my brother, you are a beloved conduit of love and grace.

The beauty of becoming Anthony... when the pure essence of God being delivered through you SO dwarfs your natural ability that natural ability seems meaningless in comparison.

These men, these priviledged wild eyed Presbyterian men... had they seen you disco dance... well... even Anthony has his limits. My money's on you, brother.

-vern-

[Craig McConnell]

Glenn - a couple of quick thoughts...

I was talking to my son-in-law this morning. He's planting a church in Redlands, CA and we were sharing our common desire to preach/teach/share from what's true of us, true to our current story and directed to the hearts of others. As we often say at Ransomed Heart, "Understanding is vastly over-rated. People need an encounter with God more than understanding". I don't know how many times I've interacted with someone who had clarity on the trinity but knew neither of them... had clarity on their wound but remained profoundly unhealed... had a grasp of the Biblical call to "Love" but didn't.

So, I spend all the time I can and/or God directs thinking through a topic from the perspective of what has God said about the issue, what has God taught me about the issue and what's the relevance it has upon the people I speaking to/with... what questions would this raise in their hearts? I scribble out my thoughts in the form of an outline... work it, rework it, tinker, tinker, tinker while inviting God into all my meditations and thoughts in conversational intimacy with Him as I tinker (God, what are you saying to me about this?... expose, speak, convict, teach, guide me Lord... what do you want to say?). Somewhere in all of this I pray for the people I'm speaking to/with... and this is the hardest part... praying for them over my own desires to stun them with my brillance. Praying for God to come for each one, for each to have an encounter with God and praying against every distraction and enemy of that happening. Often it's in my prayers for them that God speaks to me about them..."say this or that"... "use this story or illustration" etc.

Another thought, though I "feed" off of an audience's response, I've learned the pitfalls of doing that. What is your facial expression when God is speaking to you through a speaker? Mine looks anguished. Picture an audience of what appears to be distant, checked out, anguished people who are really having the very encounter with God you prayed and sweated over. You take it as failure as a communicator when you've actually nailed it as a prophet!

[Craig McConnell]

Jill,
"Foibles"? Foibles... what foibles? :)

[Craig McConnell]

Rocco,
"Real" maybe, "great" not yet. Thanks for your generous words. - Craig

[Glenn]

Hmm.

Thanks, Craig. That seems so easy, yet so foreign to my thinking. In seminary they stressed the importance of bringing God into the sermon writing process, but they also (obviously) stressed the intellectual side. Sometimes it seemed like that was stressed more so (in some classes, than others).

Anyways, usually I begin with a passage and work the big idea out from there. Then I read it, read it, and read it some more until the points of the passage become clear.

I invite God into it ... but it doesn't always feel like I do it as intentionally as I should. If that makes sense? I really want to catch a glimpse of what you're talking about here.

Next Sunday I'm talking about Christmas as being a time to claim peace in our lives. I'm going to attempt to be more conversational with God through the process.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me.

- Glenn

[Eric]

Craig, I really learn so much from your sort of self-editing, self-examining dialog/blog. I find it not only refreshing, but quite entertaining, revealing and very helpful. In a nutshell, you show me how you walk with God and I learn from that. It’s so un-seagull like. (Unless you consider perhaps Jonathan Livingston Seagull who transcends the Seagull Matrix, is purified and becomes glorious and holy.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHC-85nLbkA&feature=related

[Craig McConnell]

David,
Thank you for your response regarding this blog entry.

You touch on an interesting point... there's a "reality" - that which we feel (which so many factors contribute to) and there's an objective reality - that which is truly true (and this is often unseen/unfelt/un-heard… unknown). As we venture out into the mythic story God has for us... offering more and more into our glory and calling we become acutely aware of this distinction. I wonder how often the two overlap. There are times I'll feel, subjectively horrible about something I've written/spoken/counseled and yet I have an internal sense or I’ll hear from God and/or others that it was indeed a "home run"... and then on other occasions God and others are wondering why I'm rounding the bases, pumping my fists and screaming "YES! YES! YES! When I flied out to center. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

David – Like you I’m so aware of my need for redemption. On every level of my life I need redemption. Though humbling and painful, our hearts are trimmed toward God as they never would be without the disruption/pain/suffering. – Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Glenn – It sounds to me that you’re doing well… on the right path… simply inviting him into your time… with a heart receptive to all He may want to say to you and then through you. May your teaching/preaching bring the life you long for it to. – Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Eric – those who have shaped my life most are the few who’ve lived courageously vulnerable. They just lived in front of me, allowing me to watch, listen, interact with their passionate desire to know and love God fully whatever the circumstances, disappointments or assaults. Being close to REAL godliness makes one thirst and hunger for the same. If I’m a man who makes others hunger for God – I’m a blessed and happy man. - Craig