God in The Booth (part 2)

I’m sitting in the sound booth during the first session of our Men’s Advanced Conference listening to John Eldredge. At some point my mind shifts from John and whether or not the canvas bottom “Directors” chair I’m sitting in will collapse to my speaking the next evening. I’m unsettled… antsy about the direction/content/illustrations/relevance of my topic. Actually it’s deeper than “antsy”; I was feeling the pressure to make a difference in these good men’s lives. The squeeze gripping me was for God to show up in some weighty way sweeping us up and into some degree of a stunned paralysis of awe.

In my saggy seat I’m thinking I won’t deliver. I’m pretty certain I won’t come through… change that to can’t come through.

For most of us shame/self-contempt is our backdoor friend. Shame is that one we wouldn’t admit to knowing yet flirt with throughout the day. It’s really an affair of the soul we refuse to break off. Shame serves a twisted purpose… comfortably immobilizing us, explaining our unpredictable world, numbing the mythic longings of our heart and justifying our script of small-story-victim-hood. Yet sheathed by contempt’s husk/coat is something beautifully pure, good and godly… a longing, an identity authored by God. There is a kernel.

The longing for God to come is shrouded with the shame of “Who are you kidding. You! You? You’re a schmuck… You’ve got squat to say… nothing. Zip, zero, nada nichts! “

Now… that’s a slanderous perversion of the truth.

Yet, I choose to believe this shadowy mistress of mine time and time again despite her ruinous affect upon my life. She leaves me passive, disengaged, hiding behind props and techniques, tickling ears, pleasing men, internally enraged at God, others, and myself… cursing the success of others while wishing my life of impotence would quickly end. 

I’m speaking tomorrow… and surely aware of both kernel and husk.

And then God, the forever and always present God, who has been sitting next to me all this time, leans over, clears His throat and points out a defining agreement that I’ve made and lived by: 

Something more than who I am and what I have is required of me. I’m simply not enough.

Now… that’s a slanderous perversion of the truth.

Believing that, accepting that ancient script of diminishment explains why I’m so antsy about tomorrow night… so unsettled… my failure is inevitable. Internally I’m scrambling to minimize my certain losses.

This isn’t a man pawing the earth anxious to enter the arena and fight to the death for a noble cause. Nor is it a man standing tall among a group of weary sojourners in a season of fear offering words of hope, life, strength and direction.  This is Little Craig playing third base in the All Star game with a one run lead in the ninth inning, two outs and the bases loaded hoping the batter doesn’t hit it to him.

My godless agreement/affair with shame comes to the light… my hussy doesn’t look so good in broad daylight. I understand the attraction but now it feels so very wrong... the magic is gone, the price too high, the damage too broad… this isn’t the life I want to live!

 Will you break that agreement Craig?

(Note: God has a way of overlaying messages to us. Simultaneously I’m convicted of my sin of adulterous unbelief while, in the same breath hearing an invitation to another way of living. It’s like a father who is firmly disciplining his child with an authoritative, “No, you can’t get your way on this issue” while at the same moment, everything in his eyes is saying “I love you so incredibly much”.)

I do, I do, I do (the last time I said that many “I do’s” was on my wedding day). I break all agreements I have made, I take back all ground given to this lie. Christ, I ask you to… I give you permission and access to purge this hell born script from my being. May the kernel… the life, calling and the fullness of my identity come to life! Oh may my life bring Your life to others!

Again, may I offer... God is close. He is next to you wherever you may be. There is no place you are He isn’t. He’s at work… do you see Him?

(to be continued)

- Craig McConnell

Comments

[Vern Hyndman]

Yeah, I'm dealing with a similar issue. I have spent most of my life chained to the machine, making money... so now I'm completely unchained, with talent burning a hole through me, time to spare, and yet the weeks go by and I'm all twisted up. Between lies and outright intimidation, I feel frozen, rooted to a spot that I'd rather leave... like a dog with the treat on my nose, waiting for the Word, but waiting forever. Reminiscent of a Floyd lyric, "and then one day you find / ten years have got behind you / no one told you when to run / you missed the starting gun".

Might be that the end of DOing is coming, and a new way of BEing. Might be it is less about progress and more about living in expectancy without fear or bitterness.

You did come through at Advanced... thanks brother.

vern-

[Drew Hampshire]

These agreements are insidious, aren't they? Happy to wreak havoc in the back ground, hard to define sometimes, lest you get your hooks into it and make the break. This is more good stuff Craig-thank you for your heart and your willingness to share it!

[Charlie]

Craig, your talk was stunning. God comes through.

[Darren]

I totally feel what you described about being stuck, Vern. I've kept myself down by becoming frustrated at the lack of progress, making my time with God about how impatient I am that things don't seem to be happening. With that discouragement, I spend much more energy giving into agreements than going to God about what's going on in my life.

All of this really makes me think how much I need to just give up to God. I'm looking forward to more of this, Craig

[Rick]

That insidious little voice has been working me all day. I realized that it starts with I can't, I won't, I need to....then it sits back and watches me move from all that I tell myself I can't do, to a place where I depend (translation, crank up the pressure) on myself to "fix" whatever it is by being or doing something on my own. I can't do it on my own, and God sits and watches me try to and waits...he knows I'll be back to this same spot again.

Craig, again you have brought the much needed reality of how much I need God, and the reminder that he is right here waiting for me. I know he is, but I am amazed at how much I still listen to that small voice that starts the process and then sits back and watches me take myself out. NO MORE, I do see him, and will now go spend time with him. Thanks Craig.

[Jill Dyer]

I had a similar experience just days ago...similar in that deep pain was revealed and instead of shutting it down (my old habit)- I went inside it with God. The difference is - I don't see with the clear eyes that you seem to, Craig. I am having a difficult time deciphering what is God, what is Satan, and where do I head with all this? I don't know what to do other than keep presenting it to Jesus and refuse to run away. I seems to be all I can do right now.

Craig, thank you for putting words around the experiences we all face. I am continually inspired by the fact that you are still learning. It is hope for the adventure and peace that we are never alone.

Vern, I have great confidence that God will restore to you in more beautiful, glorious measure all you have lost. And your loss has been great. It is no coincidence that you find yourself waiting for the Word. He will come and it will be good.

You will not wait forever. The expecation that is growing in you will be the wide space that God will live out His glory in you in a new way. Expecation with out demand is a great feat and an inviting, hope-filled way to exist.

[Brad]

Would you just stop it Craig. Every time I read your blog I cry!

And whoever Vern is...thanks for bringing me back to those lyrics. That Pink Floyd song crushes me every time I hear it.

Oh how I wish those shadowy mistresses would leave me alone...maybe they're there to remind me that God is indeed close? I don't know but I do know that I feel closer to God as I process "God in The Booth (part 2)".

Thank you.

[David Felts]

Craig,
As I spoke at a men's retreat this past weekend a gentleman got up and putting on his hat, left the room, got in his car and drove away. The accusation was right there that I didn't have what it took obviously because this man left. I remembered like what you were saying here that the Lord was there with me, and felt His presence say, "Just keep going, these men need this." And so I did, and I believe the men's hearts were stirred mightily by the Father.
It was nice to hear later, that this man has a problem with frequencies, and that the movie clip's audio was affecting him, and not the words that I was saying, which is what the enemy tried to make me think.
I've said it before Craig, but it bears repeating here, I love your heart man. Your ability to convey the daily struggle that you endure and push through gives me hope that there is that ability in me as well. You have a gift for speaking to my heart in a way that makes me strive to be a better man. Thank you for that...and thank you for your transparency and willingness to share with us your heart...I know that I for one am a better man because of it. Keep it up bro...
Strength and honor!

[Tony Devine]

Some time ago I agreed to allow and "old friend" back into my life. God sometimes will take our friends away for a season then allow us to hang out with them later in life when we've grown stronger and are better able to handle our "Freedom In Christ." Right????

Lately I have felt a great distance building between the father and myself while at the same time watching my role in His play get a larger part. This has been really confusing, but just this week while hanging out with my "old friend" God has spoken. You see my "old friend" is one who getting too much of makes me look really stupid. He is something that has to be handled properly and God has shown me that I'm just not able to do it. I just cant handle that kind of friendship, that kind of "Freedom." God has told me he needs to write this "old friend" out of my script but has asked my permission to do so. Sounds a bit weird but He is wanting me to choose. He has shown me a script where he can use me and has left it up to me to decide if I want in or not.

"Father I choose you. I choose you and all you have for me to do. I'm so sorry for the way my drinking has made me look and how it's hurt others around me. It has truly been a slow fade but one that has brought back a great deal of clarity. I pray for your forgiveness and for your strength. I love you lord, with all my heart I love you!"

Thank you Mr McConnell for your willingness to share your life and thank you all for your posts as well. To echo the post of Mr Felts I too am pushed to be a better man because of this blog and the work of Ransomed Heart.

Away I go!

[Jill Dyer]

Tony,

It takes a brave man with a good heart to stand against something that "feels" like it makes life easier. I am praying right now that something in the Father's love for you catches you by surprise in it's intensity and pleasure...and that it will be enough. That your "old friend" will fall away because it will not measure up to Him and his furious love.

[Rhonda (aka The Restless Squaw)]

Oh, goodness. I've not put that word with these horrible feelings I succumb to all the time! Affair??

Is there any hope for someone for whom this is a lifelong thing? How on earth do I ever learn to live without that all-encompassing shame and condemnation and utter fear?? And why is God pushing me now onto a bigger platform where I'm wide open for all kinds of criticism? I cannot do this. It's too hard.

But I want to. I wish I could.

Thanks for unmasking what's really going on.

[Craig McConnell]

Vern,

I wish I could remember the full quote and source of an observation I read years ago that went along the lines of: We are mistaken if we view a tree’s roots as that which is anchored into the earth, it’s “roots” are not its roots. A tree’s roots are it branches…. Extending/reaching out … upward not downward… anchored in heaven.

Vern, I know you well enough to know that you’re life/soul/hope/dreams are well rooted in heaven. All those other things are not your roots. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

A thought on the ongoing battles we face...

“War with sin and doubt, guilt and depression, are not signs of defeat, but proof of Christ’s victory. After all, those who are not baptized into Christ by the Spirit are at peace with sin and unbelief. The absence of war within is true only of people in one of two states: unregenerate or glorified. The believer is presently in neither. Such conflict is not the evidence that one is a “carnal Christian” but is the genuine experience of every believer throughout the course of this life.” – Michael Horton

[Craig McConnell]

There are many, many questions about God and His involvement with our life.

We wonder and often second guess ourselves about what is right/biblical/balanced/holy or … wrong/non-biblical/extreme/ungodly. With there being several characters in this story of ours there are times we’re bewildered, “Is this God’s leading, or is it my wounded-ness, our adversary, the flesh???”

I believe in the authority/centrality/necessity of Scripture to guide, test and offer a sure light unto our path. If any path violates Scripture avoid it. And while many of us believe we have The Biblical View of each and every issue, it’s indisputable that you can circle yourself with 17 Bible believing/quoting/radio-available-authorities who will offer at least 11 different passionate views of the scripturally based direction/answer to your question. You're left informed but still looking to God for His direction as to which path to take. “Experts” can only take you so far… and though more informed or educated you’ll still end up looking to and depending on the conversational God who is forever and always present.

Having others who, knowing our story, can help us interpret all that’s spinning around in our heart, head and world is an incredible blessing. Seek them out, savor them and remember that as good as it is to have a rich fellowship, it cannot/will not replace our need for the God who is forever and always present; intimate and longing to make Himself known… the God who speaks and guides our interpretation of life with all its difficulties and awkward relationships.

As time passes on our journey of walking with God many of the questions AND answers actually change, but there are always questions. (Of course there are pillars of truth that remain unaltered and in fact stronger and deeper than ever... and there are always questions). Always.

Let me add quickly, God longs to speak, direct, and address the deepest questions of our heart. Do we have ears to hear and eyes to see?

With that being true, there are seasons/instances/issues that stir up questions and the multiple answers available create a tension… (For example “there is no warfare” or “everything is warfare”.) AND a lot of mystery (for example, can anyone really explain the trinity, virgin birth, Jesus being both fully God and fully man, the inspiration of scripture… et cetera?). A sense of mystery is inherent in all the cardinal doctrines of Christianity.

And there is a bit of mystery to our lives as well. Mystery drives us to either understanding or God. Often you cannot have both. Eventually one makes peace with that. The ever present God of grace softens/diminishes/removes our demand for full understanding.

There are questions you must settle for yourself. Having settled them (for now) live them out with strong passion and conviction…. AND the humility that you may see things very differently in the seasons to come.

“For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” – 1 Corinthians 13

Note the seasons and imperfection of our clarity this side of heaven. Humility is required.

“Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. " – Romans 14

Note that Believers differ on many things… there are “disputable matters”. The Issue is the motive/faith that underlies all our theology/behavior. Let God shape your beliefs and life. Recognize others may, in this season of their spiritual formation/journey/walk with God, come to different beliefs. Haven't you?

Walk with the always and forever present revealing conversant God… He is faithful to guide the thirsting heart and mind in these all things. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Rhonda (aka Restless Squaw),

You asked a brillant question of yourself, one that I have asked myself and others: "How on earth do I ever learn to live without that all-encompassing shame and condemnation and utter fear??" or as I would ask it, "How would life be different for you if you walked away from shame?"

Our answer will help us understand why we abide in shame and not God.

[Jenny]

Craig, I really appreciated your comment yesterday...your thoughts on God and his involvement in our lives. I found myself shaking my head in agreement as I read your words. Many of them added to what God has been showing me and surfacing in my heart this week. Thank you.

And, as for the lie that you have nothing to offer, that you're simply not enough...it's completely ludicrous. I know because you've offered so much to us and our lives are all the better for it.

[Jill Dyer]

Thank you, Craig.

[Tony Devine]

Jill,
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

Craig,
Wow!!!

[Craig McConnell]

Jenny,
You are welcome!

[Mark S. Biggs]

Craig,
Our Knights for Christ team is getting ready to present our 2nd Wild at Heart Boot Camp in McCall,Idaho next week. We have all been attacked in different ways by satanic forces. But one of the worst is just what you described - the self-deprecating, self-loathing agreement that I made with Satan so many years ago when I was wounded by my father. I have found that I need to give this to God whenever those thoughts surface. I've also found that I gain immediate peace when I claim Jesus' victory in my life and simply tell the devil to "Go To Hell!"

Mark