Still in The Booth

I’m sitting in the sound booth through the second session of our Advanced Conference listening to John speak. At some point my mind wanders…  I’m musing* about “teaching “and God nudges me asking, 

When did you enjoy teaching most?

Immediately it was the college level theology courses I regularly taught at my church in LA. I’m grinning ear to ear enjoying the memories of waxing eloquent on Christology, Anthropology, and Harmitology… I’d hand out my 70 page syllabus chock full of enticing insights, perspectives, implications… oh, and a ton of footnotes noting alternative views with their pros and cons,  rabbit trails, sources, exegetical notes  etc. etc…. I loved it. It was thorough authoritative clarity on the cardinal doctrines of the faith… full of footnotes.

And with big warm eyes and in the voice of a loving father God says, “Yeah… you were hiding”

Pause. Silence. My smirky smile shifting to a furrowed brow,  mouth open, questioning look.

“You loved it so much because you “found” validation there. Your syllabus and footnotes was all about you answering your question about having something to say…. Your syllabus was your God”

I remember while in seminary dreaming of getting a PhD. in theology. The “Queen of Sciences” as many refer to it.

Doctor Craig McConnell would undoubtedly/unquestionably/most surely have something to say. Right?

Wow… so 30+ years have passed since bone head greek and some of my best memories of teaching are being exposed as a godless quest for life… the abandonment of God and all He provides for the in-truth mousey affirmation of man. Footnotes! Footnotes were my broken cistern… my god, my mistress in hiding. I was feeling “it”… the shame of looking to footnotes over and instead of the self revealing, sovereign immutable, triune God ….

Great… so I’m speaking to 433 men in 8 hours and I’m marveling at the times and places God “shows” up to deal with some issue of our soul. And then again I’m not surprised at all. He’s always present… longing to be our God.

– Craig McConnell

*(I’ve always viewed myself as a “pastor teacher” loving the ongoing influence my life has upon those “sitting” under my tutelage over time. It’s been one of the things I’ve missed doing most over the last several years)

Comments

[Glenn]

When God reveals what you are hiding behind, how do you go about hiding behind Him, instead? Or perhaps I should say hiding "in Him"?

[Doug Nolte]

Brother Craig. . . thanks for living your life in the light. It is helpful to see an older man model for the younger of us the integrity and honesty of life. Prayers for you in Australia!

[Jill Dyer]

I'm thinking how appropriate and descriptive of your character, your heart, you life are the words "pastor teacher." I wonder what God might be saying in the "missing?"

[Glenn]

... Looking at my question again (now 2 days later!), I realize it's an ongoing process and that God pops up at these random times to deal with issues. But in the moment - when God rips down your guard and humbles you before Him - what do you do? Do you dwell on what He has just revealed? Do you immediately begin to pray? Talk to someone? Journal it? Pursue intentional change?

A loaded question, I know.

[Jill Dyer]

Glenn...I am so NOT Craig. I don't have the same wisdom nor years in the journey. But I have been walking with God through something similar where God "rips down your guard and humbles you before Him." I love how you said that. My response to God has been...just immediately asking that He be in this with me, that He show me where to go with it all, and then letting it go. It seems for me that when I try to script it at all...I begin to try and control and have expecations of how it should go. So I have seen that I need to ask that He open my eyes to when and how He will move me through this part of the journey. It comes when I least expect it. Sometimes in church (even when the message has NOTHING to do with my issue, sometimes in a conversation with a friend or my husband, sometimes when I run, sometimes when I journal, sometimes in pain, and sometimes in gentle, reassuring love.

I hope you don't mind me addressing your question even though I am not Craig. I look forward to hearing Craig's answer to your question.

You seem so sincere in your quest to be with God in those humbling moments.

[Kevin Dahlenburg]

Another wonderful post, Craig.

Over the past several months, God has been showing me all the areas in my own life where I've been hiding: Negative but-not-quite-false beliefs about myself I'm still using as an excuse not to charge boldly forward into the life He is trying to give me. It's been very isolating with equal parts of humility and fear thrown in for good measure.

Reading everyones' posts over the past several months has been a huge blessing - my thanks to you all.

[Drew H]

Its so darn easy to cross the line into idolatry, isn't it? Do we go there any less when we're more closely walking with God? I can identify with this Craig-its me teaching the youth group....posing as an example for young ones not yet sold out to a god of one's own choosing....At least when Father points it out He does so as only He can, even if the timing's not so comfortable. More great writing Craig-thanks!

[Charlie]

I love you Craig!

** I was sitting here deciding if I had anything to say. That's what came to mind. You can be my pastor anytime!

[Craig McConnell]

Glenn,
Knowing your story would enable me to be more specific. To move from our hiding/false-self, our idolatry/addictions almost always involves repentance (read the prophets again:)) and healing of the wound/broken-ness that's so entwined with our sin. Add a shot of breaking agreements and you've got it. All of this is something none of us can muster up within, it's a work of God we cry out for with growing intensity as we more deeply see the chasm between the life we want and the life we live. May God come for you my friend. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Jill,
I’ve been wondering the same thing. – I’ll keep you posted. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Jill,
You sure sound like Craig :) - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Note: I'm a little jumpy with excitement... this is the first access I've had to the internet via my computer in about 10 days while in Switzerland. I'm so enjoying a little time to "catch up". I'm staying with a wonderful family's home... sitting in their cellar eating Milk Chocolate... (perhaps renewing an old addiction). It's a surprise respite from the mission et cetera. I've probably got 15 more minutes before I crash from my sugar high... - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Drew,
The deeper transformation, healing, growth and holiness we continue to experience over the years is true, substantive, real, significant and can be seen/tasted/experienced by ourselves and others. It's real!
... and we continue to battle some of the same issues/lies/temptations as well. The battle fields change as do the issues, but until Act IV, we are in a war. The grace is real, so is the struggle. We win in the end. - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Charlie,
Love the footnote.

[David Elliott]

Craig,

I listened to you reading this and the "Cheeto's" blog on the podcast. Man, it was moving stuff. I was humbled. I appreciated your honesty and transparency. It was beautiful, actually. What a wonderful, loving God we have.

Last year a guy told me, "Maybe your ministry is your story." That made a lot of sense. Don't know where he got it.

Thanks for your ministry to me. I look forward to the book.

[Chuck]

Craig,

I've got news for you brother - you're more of a "pastor teacher" right now than you've probably ever been - and to a much larger group of people. God has blessed you richly by expanding your influence multiplicatively.

It was several years ago during my first boot camp - right after your "poser talk" that I had a very powerful encounter with God. It had been quite a while since my last encounter and this one was completely unexpected. God told me something very counter-intuitive about the journey I was on. I came to that first retreat expecting to be affirmed in distancing myself from the institutional church I'm involved in. Just the opposite was revealed to me...

And by the way - I've given that "poser talk" two times now at the retreats me and my band of brothers put on yearly.

I have a deep love and appreciation for you brother,

Chuck