Tomato

I’m not suffering with a horrible body awareness issue (see photo), but there are a few small features I wish were different about my tabernacle.*

(For the record, that is my face and fishing hat!)

I’ll restrain myself from disclosing the 23 adjustments I’m hoping for in my glorified body but I will own the vanity of wishing that my skin could take a little more sun than it does. Tan I am not! My Scot-Irish ancestry is seen in my ruddy freckled complexion. “Ruddy” of course meaning “red”, as in, “He’s as red as a tomato.” “Tomato” being a short lived nickname a couple of 9th grade knucklehead best friends gave me because of my regular second-degree sunburn from surfing and beach life.

Note: Growing up in So. Cal the only lotion I ever saw anyone but on their body was baby oil… sunscreen was practically unheard of.

So, over the decades I’ve grilled my epidermis like a cheap steak a zillion times. Somewhere along the way the concept of skin damage popped onto my radar with my first, “Hey, this mole looks a little funky” moment being circa 1988. That began my pilgrimages to a dermatologist for an annual pruning/zapping/frying of sundry oddities. One Doc examining my back compared it to a pier piling covered with barnacles! The visits have simply become a part of life, like getting an oil change, paying your taxes or having corn beef on St. Patrick’s Day… the pathology reports always came in “negative” a week or two later.

So this June I trot in to the dermatology office for the usual examination. A dozen spots are frozen, a couple of blots/weird-pigment-smudges removed and a little something new... a prescription for a topical cream (fluorouracil) that destroys precancerous cells. In the ten days you’re applying this stuff you become a living scab, lichen with personality, a Star War “bar scene” character. I looked so bad I considered wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask or withdrawing from civilization for 10 days. The directions warn you: Do Not get this in your eyes or upon your lips, to wash your hands thoroughly after applying and then suggest you wear rubber gloves when touching it… I’m thinking, “And I’M PUTTING THIS ON MY FACE?!?

Deciding not to take my “sick days” I show up at work as usual with most of my 30-something knucklehead best friends calling me Freddie Krueger!

My favorite moment was when sweet and kind Amanda, seeing my face for the first time, simply said, “It must hurt”. It wasn’t a question.

My treatment ends none-to-soon and the family and I take off for a little R&R at Lake Havasu. It’s a great vacation aided by the fact that we were mercifully cut off from the known world having no cell phone coverage or email access.

At vacations end, driving back towards LA my phone gets coverage and starts picking up a number of messages. There are three that catch my interest, each along the lines of:

“Hello Craig, this is Doctor Jones**, I’m trying to reach you to go over your pathology report. Would you give me a call so we can set up a time to talk.”

Huh… I have never had the doctor call to give me a pathology report… it’s always been a nurse. The standard line is, “Mr. McConnell the removed tissue was Basal cell carcinoma, “no problem… wear sunscreen… we’ll see you at your annual checkup. Oh, and wear sunscreen!” 

I’m thinking this isn’t good. For a variety of almost comedic reasons it takes me 4 days to finally reach my doctor. I’m toast…
 
My doctor confirms that the tissue was a melanoma and that I need to set up an appointment with a surgeon to have the whole tumor removed… soon.

Melanoma?

Cancer?

Me?

It was then that everything went into slow motion. Voices were muffled and I felt like I was viewing the world through tunnel vision.The big  soggy wet cold blanket of my mortality had been thrown over me. Some of you have been there. Some of you are there now. It was startling; I was knocked off center. Stunned!

At some point in all of this God intrudes asking, “What’s changed with this diagnosis… really?”

My knee jerk immediate reaction was: “E v e r y t h i n g!”

Looking back it was surprisingly quick that I found some solid ground and perspective.

That I am mortal isn’t new? That has always been true from the moment I was conceived. We all die. Some in the womb, some at 23 yrs. old in combat (like my father), some in an accident at 36 or in bed at 92. That I’ll die isn’t new… it just feels like it.

That I could die sooner than later feels new? But in truth the gift of life is so very fragile and precious…we are dependent upon God for our every breath. I began to face the godless assumption that I would live to a “ripe old age” (James 4:13–15), when, in truth, there have never been any guarantees that tomorrow will come. This led to some necessary repentance. So… that my days are numbered isn’t new either. Nothing has changed, it just seems like it.

Whether or not it’s a change I found myself craving life… to possess it, live in it, share it, fondle it and celebrate it. With no sluggish assumptions about the length of my life, I found myself diving into the depths of life; wanting to love and live with Lori, Lindsey, Meagan and the sacred circle of family and friends I enjoy. It feels like a change wrought by my diagnosis… and maybe it is. But I’ve always wanted to live passionately for God  about God, sucking the marrow out of life regardless of the circumstances I find myself in. If this is a change… it’s for the better and I’ll take it! 

So there I was… realizing that very little has actually changed and all that has shifted seems pretty good at the moment! 

The life I want is forever and always rooted in Christ... nothing else. Not my health, not my circumstances. And the words of an old sage come to mind, to live is Christ.

In July the Melanoma was surgically removed and my prognosis is life!

Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom. - Psalm 90:12 NLT

– Craig

 

(There is so much more to say about all of this, and the truth is that I’m still processing my mortality with God. If interested, John and I recorded and posted on our web site a podcast in which I share another part of this story. The podcast title is: God In Our Summer Part 2) 

* I always smile when I read Old King James refer to our body as a “tabernacle” in 2 Corinthians 5:4; thus I had to use it here! The passage:  For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life.

** Though he’s an incredible doctor that I would highly recommend and continues to be my dermatologist it seems best not to share his real name.

*** Abraham breathed his last and died in a ripe old age, an old man and satisfied with life; and he was gathered to his people. – Genesis 25:8 NASB

Comments

[Roger Shaff]

[God] "What,s changed with this diagnosis?...really."

Isn,t it just like God to ask the question that makes us step back and see the forest instead of the trees? And that is only one step closer to seeing the bigger picture as from His perspective.

Timing too! From the mountain top experience of your vacation to the doctors message "we need to talk". You weren't even able to get home first. Call it the "amplitude of life" if you will. The ups and downs. But God remains unchanged. My first car only had an AM radio that typically only picked up local stations.
but sometimes at night, when the atmospheric conditions were right and the interference of the daily buzz was gone, I could pick up stations from ridiculuosly far away places. I suppose that lIfe with God can be like that too. As we draw nearer to Him and let him have control of the volume of our life, as you are, we can expect the higher places with Him and the lower parts of the valley of tribulation. God is sitting back enjoying the music of our lives. When He likes what is filling His ears, if He is like me, He'll turn up the volume and jam to the music.

I thank God for your life, prognosis and ministry. Your music and message are coming through here in Michigan. I pray that God continues to give you rich full sound and clarity to your life.

[Jeff Phillips]

Craig,

It is good to hear that the surgery is over and went well. We are of the same heritage and my 22 year old son received a diagnosis of a malignant melanoma this summer over his left shoulder blade. He is now sporting a 4" scar on his back. It was enough to take a couple of our wheels off the rail for a while. He is doing well now, but is facing a life dermatologist visits twice a year from now on. We go together...not the father/son activities I dreamed of with my grown son, but it is a battle we face and fight together.

I am glad you are doing well. Thank you for sharing your story. We pray for you, the RH team, & your families daily.

[Craig]

Roger,
I enjoy the picture/thought of "God sitting back enjoying the music of our lives." Thanks - Craig

[Craig]

Thank you Jeff!

[jill dyer]

I love that the effect of this difficulty has been LIFE. Your heart is in tune with your Father's heart for you and the way you display, describe and believe is LIFE-giving for those of us who read your blog. It had me holding on a little more tightly (in a good way) to the precious moments in my day. If you look for them...there are so many. They are those simple yet intimate displays of my Father's love.

[Dave Woomer]

Seven years ago I was lying flat on my back in ICU. I had tried to die twice and was brought back twice. Off the vent and away from drug-induced comas, I was, like you, trying to process the meaning of it all. I wondered why God would let this happen to me, and could I ever trust Him again? From the memory bank of Scripture tucked away in my heart, I recalled the words of Job: "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." (13:15) This was the start of the spiritual healing for me. I decided I would trust Him no matter what happened to me. Take another look at our spiritual ancestor Job, the book will help you heal and draw closer than ever to our Abba Father.

[Craig]

Jill,

Your comment on "holding on a little more tightly (in a good way) to the precious moments in my day. If you look for them... there are so many" made me pause.

And I began to wonder.

I wonder how many of those "moments" a day holds? Any day? Is it 2-10 or is it 1450 plus? If we really looked for them... or if we could really see them, how many would there be? (You know I'm not looking for a specific number, but a sense of volume. Do we live in a desert with only a cool springs scattered about? Or do we live in an ocean of wonderful moments, graces, dazzling beauty and soul to soul connection?)

I wonder how my life would change if those moments captured my heart/attention/soul?

Or is the question more along the lines of, "How must my life change to "look" for and/or to see those moments"?

I've got a sneaking suspicion that the pace of my life doesn't allow me to enjoy many of the vast number of precious moments that fill my day... and go unnoticed.
- Craig

[Craig]

Dave... Whoa! Good words.

"My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you." - Job 42:5

[Jill Dyer]

Craig,

Your comments caused me to pray for the eyes, the pace of life, and the grace to appreciate the moments...however many they may be.

I also contemplated....it often seems as if it takes tragedy or pain to recognize that some of the most ordinary of moments are actually precious. I wonder how we've become lost here?

[Jon McClure]

Craig,

Your story inspires, humbles and challenges me. The way you respond to disruption in your life is so life giving. It makes me think of how my response to disruptions is faithless...and how much I am living as an agnostic practically (which is where it really matters).

Your story leads me to want to be a better man, to interpret life through the lens of faith and be drawn into a deeper, more intimate walk with Christ than before. Would you and the guys ever fancy setting up some stuff over in Scotland???! Your ministry has been invaluable to me at a time where other father figures have been stripped away, where God has been seeking to lead me on. Thankyou for your offering which I trust will be a seed falling to the ground, dying and producing an abundance.

Jon

[Hadassah]

Thank you for the laughs and visual aids interwoven in this story. I did get to laugh out loud! But at the same time, I seriously trust you shall be well. Thank you for sharing.

[Lori McConnell]

OK, OK...Honey, you have finally gotten me to respond to your blog...will you please take that picture off (the Fabio not the tomato!) I love you just the way you are! (Barnacles and all) xoxo Lori

[Lindsey Macdonald]

Pops, I was sitting here reading your blog and Buggie came up and saw the picture of you in the speedos and said "Boo is so handsome Mommy". Love you.

[Craig McConnell]

So my granddaughter sees “the picture” and thinks I’m handsome, my wife sees “the picture” and thinks it’s embarrassing... going as far as accusing me of a Fabio pose.

If you’re reading this blog sometime after 10:35 AM August 20th you missed “the picture” which I pulled in deference to my wife's sensitivites(there are advantages to reading blogs while they’re fresh). - Craig

[Lindsey Macdonald]

Your so funny. Handsome Boo. Love you Pops.

[Vern Hyndman]

So much of my life is lived in theory... I have a theory about everything... and most of them are tested by time and are accurate, and as theories go, they're peachy.

But occasionally I'm find myself abruptly in the moment, a near miss, a reminder of mortality, an embracing of the wonder of life, and a new respect for the fragility of all that matters. Theories go out the window as I live in the moment. The fruit of the best of my faith is cashed in... either faith begets trust, or it was a waste of time... a grand theory that amounted to naught except trust.

We so often focus on the messenger, and not the message. Wow, cancer,,, and we spend days and weeks obsessing about cancer, the messenger, and not on life, the message.

Your life has profoundly influenced mine, brother Craig. The difference between focusing on life, and being consumed by fear of death is everything... it manifests itself in the difference between focusing on sin versus embracing eternal life, and extends into how we interpret our own mortality.

You encourage me, and remind me again that the situation or circumstances do not and will not define me. And that trust is borne of love, and that true love casts out fear.

-vern-

[Charlie]

I gotta follow Vern!?

Love our conversations... short they may be! You're the BEST!

...and can you email me the photo? I missed it!

Charlie

[Jennifer]

Isn't it wonderful when God uses our spouses to send us messages of truth which we can't/won't hear on our own?

Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Craig. It's a blessing to have this added to my regular online reading.

[Rocco]

Craig,

Again, thank you for being so real! It is so refreshing.

Rocco

[Al]

Hey Craig. You wouldn't know me if I ran up to you and slapped sun screen all over your face...well, i guess you would but it wouldn't be a great first impression. you see, I've considered myself a simple soldier of "Sir William Wallace" and his confidants for a few years now and I wanted to let you know that one doesn't have to be close in proximity to sharpen another brother (like iron). Keep in mind, what you may find it simple thoughts and sharings, may reach and touch a crucial element needed out here with those of us who can learn from it while keeping on with the good fight. I'm much more interested in how my mentors handle adversity than I would be for someone to give me a hypothetical story. John said it well when he said that he wasn't interested in the posers. Thanks for your effort in not being one.

[Donna Adam]

I'm not sure how I ran across your blog,exactly, but I'm glad I did. I'm a dermatology nurse, and am the office "first responder" after patients get a melanoma diagnosis. I pray as they share their reactions to the news, and do all I can to walk them through the next part of the Journey. Your candid comments will remind me to keep doing what I do, being God's hand on a shoulder at a difficult moment. Blessings and health to you on this short Journey of ours.

[Craig McConnell]

Thank you for your response to one of my blog entries… I thank God for caring, insightful, thorough nurses. My Dermatologists has one as well. May God continue to use you in powerful ways you probably are unaware of. – Craig

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Hahaha.. You got humor, that's for sure. And by the way, those toasted breads looks very tasty:-D

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I hope you get well soon. Interesting story.Definately worth reading. Cheers.

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I love all the food related blogs. Maybe because i love eating.lols what is the use of that big red tomato?:D I enjoy reading your story and also reading the comments about that makes me laugh a lot!!

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I wonder why you pick up tomato?

Great post though..

If I'm to ask, we can get a lot of nutrients out from this red tomato.

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I sure wouldn't eat those toasts. A little bit too well fried.