Leukemia

This last May 9th I was in Dulles International Airport with a 15 minute lay-over prior to boarding my overnight flight to Zurich to consult/coach a group of gifted Swiss leaders who were initiating the first German language Boot Camp.  I plugged in my computer hoping to charge the battery a skosh and noticed an email from my doctor.

It said, “Craig, please give me a call.  Your labs [from routine physical 2 weeks earlier] are back and Houston, we may have a problem..."

What?

I read it twice. Is this a joke?

Moments later I boarded the plane with my “Friendly Skies” companions and informed Lori from my cell of the email and asked her to follow up with my doc on what’s going on. Fifteen minutes later as the announcement to turn off all portable electronic devices for takeoff is being made my phone rings and Lori hurriedly reports, “Your white cell count is elevated. When you get back into town he wants to do some more tests. On your flight he wants you to take an aspirin, get up and walk around every hour, and lose weight.”

I ’m a little disoriented/spinning with what’s unfolding. Not sure if I was offering reassurance or asking for it,  I ask Lori, “Is everything okay… are you okay?”  She responds, “Yeah, I’m okay, I’m fine. It’s just a little something he wants to check out later, I love you”.

Wheels up and into a long night my heart’s posture was, “God, what’s up?”

I didn’t take the Ambien® (sleep aid) I was anticipating because I had to get up and move around every hour. I had taken an aspirin with my vitamins that morning so I checked that “box”, but wasn’t sure how to lose any significant weight on an 8 hour red-eye to Switzerland other than resisting the Snicker bar in my carry-on (which I did).

Every moment of the flight I was praying and pondering life… my life, death… my death, my family, my script of the future, my health and whether or not I had blood clots, heart issues, high blood pressure, H1N1, a parasite or a brain tumor?

Was I overreacting, misinterpreting a doctors generic concern over a minor abnormality in my blood work? Am I a hypochondriac? Or it some scheme birthed in hell to spin me into a self-absorbed disengagement from the team and epic importance of this mission (The FIRST German language Boot Camp!!)?

In what felt like the same amount of time it took Rome to fall I arrived in Switzerland, and though it was in the middle of the night in the states, I emailed my doctor, “Hey I’m speculating about my health and have died and buried myself five times on the flight… what’s going on?!”

He responded: “Your white cell count is elevated, around 20 thousand, normal is 10 thousand or less.  The kind of cells are lymphocytes.  We need the hospital to run some tests and repeat the counts to confirm the possibility of CLL, chronic lymphocytic leukemia.  When you get back let’s get the testing done and I will get you in to see a hematologist.” 

Leukemia!!!

And then there was the silence of my entire being recalibrating as I grasped each of the eight letters of the word and then the word as a whole… L-e-u-k-e-m-i-a .

It felt foreign, intrusive, large and daunting and very, very personal word.

I had a friend die of that as well as a colleague I supervised in my last church!

I’m a dead man walking… what do I have, 3 weeks to live and I’m stuck here doing a men’s retreat in Switzerland for 2 of  them?

I chose not to call Lori and tell her the news over the phone from so far away nor did I share it with the Swiss Team. I was on mission and sensed strongly that God would give me the grace to accomplish this task while privately processing all the anxieties, fears, free roaming emotions, questions and the reorientation my diagnosis was raising.

On the second day in country the Swiss guys suggested I spend some time with one of the team, Gerd. The other four team members and I had spent time together at Boot Camps, Advanced Camps and at our home in Colorado. So Gerd and I went for a walk along a streamside trail in a high elevation meadow with the Eiger and Jungfrau peaks overlooking us. It was stunning beauty. I asked Gerd for a bit of his story.

He shared that he was a retired professor at a German Medical School, former president of the German Cancer Society, and a survivor of an aggressive/acute Leukemia. I managed to ask a few more questions about his “survival” of cancer and then stopped walking to find a rock to weigh down. Finding one, I begin to sob, eventually finding the words to tell him that I had just learned of my diagnosis, the day before!

He sat alongside me, and took all the time needed for me to express my shock and fear, he listened… asked several questions and reassuringly led me to a deeper understanding of “life” and “health and how neither is determined by the condition of my body. 

He was fathering me. And God was fathering me through him.

I’m 36,000 miles from home, alone for the next eleven days (hiding my diagnosis from my wife), about to participate in a historic “first” that will require all of me, and I’ve just learned I have cancer… and yet I’m not alone, God is present… so very present. And he has silver hair – just as I’ve always imagined, a German accent and responds to the name “Gerd”. I was BLOWN away! I don’t know how long we sat there. It was a good amount of time.

Not wanting my time with the team nor the conference to be about me I asked Gerd to keep my issues confidential. Throughout my time their he would put his hand on my shoulder during times of worship… it was Gerd’s hand… yet it was a larger, even stronger hand – the same hand that has touched us all at our times of crisis and need. It was God. And it was Gerd… who would pull me aside to offer words needed to stay the course while fear, anxiety and confusion surged back and forth. It was Gerd who would pray and check in on the fragile condition of my heart. Several times he spoke to my fears and doubts insisting that “We simply must life! Live life!” and that the best offense against cancer is waged from the heart. With his vast medical knowledge and in a sagely voice he told me that a certain and sure indication of living well was to… “Have a little whiskey and chocolate every night”.

So much more could be shared.

After 12 days I returned home. I hadn’t shared my diagnosis with Lori over the phone, choosing to wait until we could hold one another and talk with our eyes and heart. Reunited I found that she had known of the cancer from the beginning and choose to wait until my mission was over so we could circle the wagons together.

 
There will come a day when I attempt to put a few sentences together that describe what my wife means to me… and brings to me.

I went in for extensive blood and genetic tests that confirmed I have Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL). I’m asymptomatic and in the early stages. My Hemoc used an analogy to describe my specific situation: there is a burning ember in a dry grassy field with a warm breeze blowing. The hope is that the ember is extinguished by God, or never ignites the grass.

I’m under the care of great docs and am getting good counsel. Since May I’ve survived the initial waves of fear, hopelessness and the frisky dose of the “blues”. 

I’ve got a lot more to say about all of this, and will in time.

My goal is to live life fully; not let my identity be defined by cancer; fight like hell, and have a little whiskey and chocolate every night!

- Craig McConnell

Note: Until last week only my family, close friends and a few intercessors were aware of my diagnosis. I wasn’t ready to deal with a wider circle. Now I am. Besides, so much of what God is doing in my life now is linked to cancer… how could I keep silent about all of it?

Within a few weeks of the diagnosis of Leukemia I got another call from a different doctor on the pathology reports from several biopsies that had been taken… they proved to be Melanoma; thus the “frisky dose of the blues”. They’ve been removed! I blog on that experience as well. 

Another blog from this summer pretty well captures one of the primary themes of God’s work in me through this season thus far. 

Thanks so much for your prayers.

Comments

[Rick McCown]

Craig, I am stunned and brought to tears at this news. You have been an inspiration to my life in so many ways through your work with Ransomed Heart. I have such an immense respect and admiration for you. Know that I stand with you and will "fight like hell" with you until the healing is complete. I love you, Brother.

[Kevin Arthur]

Just remember the story of Bartimaeus

For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.
And they came to Jericho: and as he went out of Jericho with his disciples and a great number of people, blind Bartimaeus, the son of Timaeus, sat by the highway side begging.
And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out, and say, Jesus, thou son of David, have mercy on me.
And many charged him that he should hold his peace: but he cried the more a great deal, Thou son of David, have mercy on me.
And Jesus stood still, and commanded him to be called. And they call the blind man, saying unto him, Be of good comfort, rise; he calleth thee.
And he, casting away his garment, rose, and came to Jesus.
And Jesus answered and said unto him, What wilt thou that I should do unto thee? The blind man said unto him, Lord, that I might receive my sight.
And Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. And immediately he received his sight, and followed Jesus in the way.

Jesus did two things here....asked Bartimaeus what his heart's desire was and as well gave him the opportunity to make a statement of faith (I want and I know you can)to Jesus.

Craig speak your heart's desire to your father and stand on your faith.

Love you brother......Kevin

[Yvette B.]

Craig, are there appropriate words for this? I don't know what to say other than I groan in my spirit for the heaviness this brings to you, Lori, your family and friends. And of course all of us allies who love you. We surround you with prayer and thank God in advance for all the good he will bring to you on this journey. We love you and your valiant heart!

[Tammy Starbuck]

Dear Craig and Lori, you are being lifted up to our LORD in a new way as you cross this battlefield. It ticks me off that cancer seems to be the current weapon of choice for our Enemy. Craig, you make the 3rd person I've heard of in the last month who's been diagnosed w/cancer. All three of you are people Christ is using to build HIS kingdom. What better witness can there be, than to see the miracle of one walking through the valley of the shadow of death and fearing no evil? You are being Fathered, shepherded, LOVED, and many will be strengthened and learn of YOUR GOD because of your willingness to share your story. Your life will be RENEWED, RESTORED and RESURRECTED because you have been RANSOMED by your REDEEMER!!! Love and Grace to you! Tammy

[Sean Defeudis]

Be cured in the name of Jesus and G~d.

[Sean Defeudis]

I don't know if its true but they say everyone has self-destructing cells in them each day but the body takes care of most of it. I have people pray and I eat foods to take care of that stuff. An old man swears by Worcestershire sauce to jolt body into anti-viral mode.
There are probably hundreds of cures to viruses and bacteria and auto-immune stuff. Peace.

[Sean Defeudis]

I have heard its good to watch comedy movies and laugh off any auto-immune b.s as well. Good luck. I heard someone had cancer and watched 30 days of comedies and was healed. Great healer Jesus and God and holy spirit.

[di]

"I hadn’t shared my diagnosis with Lori over the phone, choosing to wait until we could hold one another and talk with our eyes and heart. Reunited I found that she had known of the cancer from the beginning and choose to wait until my mission was over so we could circle the wagons together.

There will come a day when I attempt to put a few sentences together that describe what my wife means to me… and brings to me."

You just did. I can only imagine what will happen when you go "attempt to" - this is beautiful. You two are a walking testimony to loving each other really well.

[Craig McConnell]

Di,

Your words are such an encouragement to me... thank you. - Craig

[Charles]

Craig, when I read your November post last night I was stunned, crushed. I decided to follow Gerd's advice or at least half of it; not the "chocolate" half. Though I have only spoken with you on one occasion(breakfast at a Feb. 2008 Wild at Heart Boot Camp), you have "spoken" to me for years now through all the "Conversations" and other work you have produced. After a pity party last night, I awoke this morning with the resolve to join this battle in prayer with you, your family and friends all over the world. I pray for your healing as you continue to live His Life of beauty and richness in an ever increasing way. Your friend, Charles

[Craig McConnell]

Tammy,
God IS at work! The life I want is found in communion with God. Sweet and simple... to know and love God fully! - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Charles... DO NOT miss the "chocolate" half of the sagely counsel! The two together are greater than the sum of their parts. :)
I'm honored to have spoken to your heart as you have mine. - Craig

[Cindy Southworth]

I just ran across your blog because a friend posted it on FB. My husband and I are in full-time ministry, and he was diagnosed with CLL over 4 years ago. I can tell you with a LOT of prayer and the right supplementations, PRAISE GOD they have told him he has reverse leukemia!! His blood cells get better everytime he goes to the oncologist and his last readings his white blood count was "low-normal." We give God all the glory! If you would like to know more about his recovery, feel free to write us. We thank GOD every day for his good health.

Cindy Southworth
Winning At Relationships, Inc.

[Craig McConnell]

Cindy,
How wonderful are the works and ways of God! So glad for you and your husband, and thankful for your story. Yeah, I’d love to hear more! - Craig

[David Delauter]

Craig, I'll be praying for you, and you will be with me as I ride for the Leukemia Society in Lake Tahoe on June 6. If you have the chance check out my webpage, it will give you more info. I'll add your name so more folks will pray.
Check out what I'm doing to fight blood cancers!
http://pages.teamintraining.org/cpa/ambbr10/ddelauter
Dave

[Craig McConnell]

David,
Thank you for your prayers. Checked out your webpage... good for you! Ride on!

[Mark Mitchell]

Dear Craig,
I love you.
the Lord has put you on my heart so many times over the past few weeks that I used Google to locate you and thus learned the news of your current challenge. God is good and so very much in in love with you, as I am sure you are aware. I will pray faithfully for your recovery. There is nothing impossible for God.
If you are ever in the Redding area, our church has a loving and powerful healing room. They would be honored to pray for a man of God like you.
Much Agape,
Mark

[kyle]

Craig, this is for Lori.

Lori, 7 weeks ago today I lost my wife after an 11 month battle (11 months to the day from her first surgery) with cancer. God will not only grant Craig the grace that he needs my dear sister, he will grant you the grace that you need.
A spouse of someone attacked by cancer feels so many things, you're not going crazy. Stand on the ROCK, he will care for and provide, for both of you. Kyle

[T. Holt]

Our three year old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia roughly two months ago.

Here's a posting I wrote to address this diagnosis from my role as both a pastor and parent:

http://www.cleftintherock.org/2010/08/leukemia-our-daughter-and-love-of-god.html

God Bless,
TH

[Ellen Buck]

Craig,
When those who study the Word to know our good heavenly Father come in contact with the side effects of this world, we are thrust into "trust." Do I believe or just speak? I do ask the LORD to declare in the heavens your healing on earth, knowing you give Him the glory. Be strong and courageous, the LORD is with you, and we know you will continue in His strength, for He will continue with you, and Lori.

I am 12 1/2 years out of cancer treatment and every day I get to remember that the breath of life within me is a gift from the God I serve. I go to the top of these Rocky Mountains remembering I'm the little one and He's the big one.

May the Lord touch your blood and heal you, tame those wild out of control cells, and speak that your cells will work and function in their design purpose, for the life is in the blood.

A quote I keep:
Hardship and troubles not only bring us the opportunity to show the world how faithful is our loving God, but also tempt us to run in the opposite direction, toward rebellion and bitterness.
Dave Dravecky

Blessed be the Name of the LORD,

[Spencer Deal]

Craig, Remember Onion Valley? The climb seemed to take forever, and each ridge attained only provided another "ridge to climb" further up the trail.

I remember being further up the trail than most of the high school kids that day....I had done this hike before.

And when we reached the top we were rewarded with a view of the Sierras- Ansel Adams style. We had lunch and decided to go back down the trail to the end to help those who were struggling, taking their packs and going back to the top.

We passed you several times, and you encouraged us as we retraced our steps....and we in turn were encouraged by your 'atta boy' comments.

We made half a dozen trips, hoping all of us would make camp before dark. And we did.

All because of an 'atta boy' comment by our youth leader, Craig.

What ever the outcome in this new 'ridge' Craig, you are, and have been a leader that has made a difference!