Pretending

  There comes an hour in the afternoon when the child is tired of ‘pretending’; when he is weary of being a robber or a cowboy. It is then that he torments the cat… - Gilbert Keith Chesterton   

Eventually we all tire, and it is then that things unseen while pretending, surface… and we torment the cat, our spouse, our children, or the gal behind the United Customer Service Desk at United O’Hare.

I think of the gifted woman who speaks profound as-if-they-were-from-God words to those gathered in the groups she attends… and then, wearied from ministry, returns home spent, short and all but absent to her young son and husband. Her “gifting” leaves them tormented. There’s the pastor, a true verse by verse expository preacher who carefully parses every verb preparing for his series on “The Biblical Mandate to Love”, while his wife is withering from the cold dismissive silence that’s marked their marriage for 20 years. He stopped pretending years ago.

We can speak, behave and appear to be something we are not yet… and while it may sound and look good/godly/holy... we're actually just pretending... something core, true, is missing. It looks like God but is missing the stamp of authenticity... and lacking that, it will not last long. Paul hits on this saying,

“If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing...” I Corinthians 13

It may be an hour in the afternoon or a season of life… and we’ll catch ourselves tormenting the cat! It’s in that moment of exposure, of embarrassment, failure and frustration that we can see it, own it and then... cry out to God for a deep true transformation that endures and deepens over decades.

Decades!

Why do we settle for pretending when the life, character, strength and love we yearn for, and often pretend to have, really is available? We don't have to pretend!

I’m thinking of a blogger who loves nothing more than to poetically write of an intimacy and life with God and yet startled by fear and in-some-way committed to self-protection can get through life only giving 78% of himself. Most don’t notice, but at times it torments those closest to him because they need and want all of him!

Oh how I long to tire of pretending.

- Craig McConnell

Comments

[Tara Owens]

Oh, how I long for the same.

How I long to speak the truth about my loneliness rather than hide behind busy-ness and my fear of seeking out wisdom figures in my life to speak into my heart.

Thank you for this post, Craig. It speaks directly to what God's been digging up in my heart recently.

Grace & peace,
Tara

[Craig McConnell]

Tara, I love your heart and pursuit of the Beloved… may he occupy you fully. – Craig

[Amy S.]

ooooo, yes! Pretending... gulp!

I think alot lot of the times we are fed that if you "do" this or "do" that... men's ministry, women's ministry, small group, etc.. etc..., that it is the most pleasing thing to the Lord. When in fact the most pleasing thing to Him, is just you. :) And that loving your spouse and loving your children well, enjoying them, savoring the time and memories is what is MOST pleasing to Him.

Saying it another way, when in fact just you and HIM having relationship, and you receiving and enjoying the gifts HE has set before you, that right there is a delight to His heart, more then ANYTHING you could do!

I think alot of Christians are still in a law mindset of still earning God's love/favor by our "doing's" for Him. When in fact it's the person, their heart, their fellowship that is the most important thing to Him.

Reminded of what Jesus said to His disciples in Matthew 7:22-24... " Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?

And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’

Lord, did we not DO... did we not DO... did we not DO??
And He says, Yes, but I didn't ever know you.

And that there "know" is THE know that is used throughout Scripture in the husband "knowing" his wife. Same KNOW.

So Jesus is saying, "We didn't have intimate relationship with each other."

Over and over and over, Abba keeps showing me this, when I get caught in the "DOING".... He gently remind me the He is more excited about the "KNOWING"!

No more pretending for me! No more!
More of Father... more of Jesus! And out of the knowing comes the loving and the acts of love!

[Craig McConnell]

Amy,
Amen Sister!!! I love the simplicity of John 17:3, “Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.”

Life is knowing God… nothing more. Nothing more1

And somewhere along the line, as we lay prostate in absolute full-hearted worship He fills us, loves on us, changes us… and ultimately the mark of God upon a person cannot be counterfeited. - cRAIG

[Craig McConnell]

"Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair." - G. K. Chesterton (as posted on Anam Cara Ministries FB)

[Craig McConnell]

Trisha,
A couple of very true words for YOU… Redemption, Hope, Resurrection. And a thought… your Lover is forever and always yours. – Craig

[jill dyer]

And I too long so deeply with you. It seems when you crawl out of that pretending hole - you are slammed both with evil's desire that you stay there and then the consequences of having lived that way. Relationships wounded, a way of relating that is not true - lots of clean up work. But a friend of ours once said to me..."That which passes through me (from Jesus to others) sustains me as well." I believe it to be true. And what I see of you is someone who is BECOMING all those things you write about. And the becoming is more inspiring than perfection. Your yearning to be all in for your loved ones is beautiful. May it be so.

[Vern Hyndman]

Pretending is the safety of sailing the ship in the drydock.

In a moment, the flash of disappointment in the other's eyes, and I know I've come up short... and from coming up short it's only a nickel more to buy "but it was close"... and from "it was close" it's only a nickel more to buy "no one noticed"... and from "no one noticed" it's only a nickel more to buy "it doesn't matter"... and a nickel more to buy "I never COULD do it"... and a nickel more to buy "the need is too big"... and "this is impossible" is kicked in as a freeby by now.

Full on resignation, for less than twenty five cents, given the "impossibility" was kicked in for free.

But what a cost... buying back what we sold for a quarter.

The road back is expensive. First tears... and the saltiness of the tears masks the taste of the blood. Was that blood? Musta been, it tasted like it... hardly enough to notice.

But the blood continues... first a taste, then more, and suddenly the blood is everywhere, yet the wound can't be found... and as the blood pours, the sheer volume has us feeling everywhere, desperate to stop the deluge, sure that we're gonna pass out and bleed to death. But the blood just keeps coming... past the point that we finally realize that we're not bleeding, and the blood's not ours... and before the deluge become trickle, and the trickle stops... the weight of the shame of not being enough lies in the pools of blood that have washed the shame clean off. And the redemption of the blood of Christ has rendered us clean again.

And it's with a clean heart that I face the other now... and the flash of the pain of not having been enough... we wait together... not spending a single nickel on more than I got... but waiting, anticipating... and what wasn't enough just a moment ago is more than enough now.

[Sonya]

EXACTLY the point I have just entered and am passing through ... when a fear of intimacy has been revealed in my life and a revelation of the lack of intimacy has left me exposed and vulnerable. And yet in this place, these moments of pain and realization, I have been transformed. The fear is gone and I am cradled in my Father's arms ... more in tune with His heart and alive to the world around me than EVER before!

I will cling to this new aspect of my life and embrace the intimacy with my Lord AND those around me who desire intimacy with me. No more turning away and hiding ... isolating. I desire to be real ... to live every moment ... and to embrace this community the Lord has placed me in for healing and sharing... ALL of me!

Thank you for sharing this post. The encouragement and healing I have found in the RHM teachings/blogs/daily readings gives me that little push to keep me grounded and facing my reality every day!

[David Felts]

Craig,
The true, open and honest way that you and the men of Ransomed Heart express yourselves is what gives me the courage to do the same. Oh that we'll put the poser away for good, stop pretending and give everyone in our circle of influence our full selves....I'm headed that way, due in a great part because of the words you write and how they motivate me...good words bro...you really are a good man!

[Tommy]

you talking about me?

[Danielle]

That verse in 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 is printed in the beginnign of the book "The Love Dare" from the movie "Fireproof": a 40 challenge to learn how to love...unconditionally. I am on day 48. Over the past month and a half God has completely reordered my understanding of what it means to love. This has been a truely humbling experience. He has shown me the weight of my roll as a wife (and mother). How horrible it must be for a man to feel he has to pretend to be something he's not in order to have his wife's love and acceptence. While his identity (and my children's identity) can only come from Christ, I now want to be a safe place for my husband (and children) to come to and know that he will be loved, warts and all, unconditionally, no matter what. After 40 days of demonstrating unconditional love to someone (whether I felt like it or not), I am BLOWN AWAY by the depth of Christ's unconditional love for me. I don't want my family to pretend with me. But in order for them to be who they are with me, I have to accept them for who they are. God called me an adulteress and a murderer. What could be worse than that?? Yet He loves me anyway. I want to learn to 'love anyway'.

[Rielynn]

Love this!

[Sophia Marsh-Ochsner]

I have finally realized that my identity was formed around a collection of responses to my deepest wound and the pretending is nothing more than a conditioned response to wounds inflicted long ago.

I cannot come to grips with who I "really" am and unravel the riddle of my existence, until I truly encounter the one who made me and knows me best. It's here I need to camp from now unto eternity, no longer taking my wounds to the world for healing, validation and directive cues.

[Claudine Lowings]

How much longer...before I can expose and entrust that frightened 6yr old girl within, that is still hiding within, for whom I seem to have such a hatred. All she longs for is to be held in her Father's arms. My 'pretence' and becoming someone I am not, has kept that very thing from her and me. I can no longer function, as the empty shell that I've become...just a clangin symbol.

[norma gene]

This reminds me of a book my husband has been going to write for years called, "Dammit I'm Late For Worship" (!) We want to be the same at home as we are at church on the stage...a LIFESTYLE of worship...not just a thing to do at 11:00 AM Sunday morning.

[Keith]

Oh to be real both at work, home and in worship then the walls will come down. Then I will be seen by the world for who I am.

Oh but will they except me like my God does.

Very profound way to reach the point Craig Brovo

[Craig]

I have experienced frustration so often in my christian circles and church formed relationships with getting past the facade. Sometimes it feels like a goo we are all stuck in and other times it is plainly an inconvenience to be transparent. It all takes to much time and effort and doesn't appear to culminate in a problem solved. We walk back to our homes wishing there was something more. Is the christian fellowship meant to be more than a cleanup day - potluck - ending with some prayer requests?

[Craig Liston]

Previous post by Craig Liston
Sorry about that. I'm new.

[Bruce Johann]

Boy oh boy! How often do I slip on the plastic Jesus smile, and fake my way through the day?! We long to be deeply known and true, yet on goes the smile! AAARGH! Just when I think I've taken a step forward, it's two back! I banish that plastic, in Jesus' Name. Please! And amen!

[Tom]

Oh how this stirs my soul...my heart...my core. I'm tired of pretending. I want to be real, genuine, authentic. My heart does ache for the Beauty of God that is so gloriously expressed in Eve (and all her daughters for that matter), but when I take a look around...where is She?

I'm a day-dreamer, a romantic...a lover. I enjoy all the beauty God has to offer, be it music or nature or best of all woman. Yet, I'm haunted. I see images in my mind of a beauty so breathtaking, so captivating, so beautiful she's irresistible! Her very long flowing hair, her eyes, her lips, her radiant face, her lovely form all say "come, pursue me." Yet, I can't. She's not real. Could all this be an echo of the Eve that once was before the fall?