A Park Bench

Over the last several months I hit a bottom, probably not The Bottom, but a true and new bottom for me… an immobilizing of my heart, passion, soul, relationships and spirit. I feared my state. I could share the back story but that’s not the story. This is the story…

I’m at my desk on the computer trying to paddle upstream without a paddle and accomplish something that would bring a little relief or validation to my soul when a Staff Member steps in to say something about something and disrupts my "Sisyphean challenge" to accomplish anything that might pass as a contribution to the ministry of Ransomed Heart.* I think she was sent by God to pierce the fog of my life and leave behind some sort of a “grace-bomb” with a fuse set to go off two minutes after she exited. She exited and before I could re-enter my striving to be fruitful, I had an unsolicited and seemingly random vision or picture from God.

Here it is…

I’m sitting on a park bench stretched out like a warped board slouched with my legs extended out in front of me and my head resting on the bench’s back railing. It’s a beautiful park with large grassy areas separated by a walkway slaloming between huge mature shade trees. I’m checked out, not really present staring off straight ahead over the horizon at nothing. Though I’m cognizant of my surroundings there is no conscious thought. I was in that state in which you don’t ever wink or swallow, there’s no measurable brain activity and barely a pulse… you are alive but not present. That’s me!

Somehow this old bench is bearing all my weight and the shit-load of all that’s weighing on me. I am certifiably detached from life.

It’s mid-day and there’s a warm breeze blowing just enough to rustle the leaves of the Cottonwood that’s shading me. The scene cries summer with the air full of pollen, gnat tornadoes and the musty scent of fresh cut grass. In the background is the sound of sprinklers machine gunning water over a flower bed… chit-chit-chit-chit-chitachitachitchit. Straight ahead, a little to the left, is an old park table with four young women enjoying their Grande coffees and the reunion they’re having. To the right is a young brother and sister on their bikes playing some form of follow the leader where the leader tries to lose the follower (kinda of like the Pastor I worked under at a Southern California Mega-Church).  Almost 90 degrees to my left a bunch of pigeons are trying to enforce a clear pecking order while scrambling to eat a handful of feed someone threw out for them.

I’m taking this all in but unmoved by any of it. It’s clinical; I’m an observer of life but not a participant in it.

As my vision pans right, back from the birds to resume my vigilant dazed and confused gape I notice or sense something peripherally… right next to me.

It’s a person. I can’t hide my being startled by this out-of-no-where stranger who’s suddenly  sitting eight inches from me on our shared little bench.

It’s a man, an older man with weathered but not leathered skin. Actually it’s God.

Oh my God, it is God! I don’t know how I knew, but I knew (it’s kinda like living in Los Angeles and passing one of a gazillion Mexican restaurants… you intuitively know that this one serves a great combination plate though you’ve never seen it, been in it or heard of it. You just know!).

Now this whole picture/vision seemed to be unfolding in a millisecond and in the next millisecond I notice my bench friend, The One True and Eternal, Just and Holy, Powerful and All Knowing God hasn’t yet said a word or even made eye contact with me. Furthermore, like me, he is slouched and staring straight ahead. And then I notice there’s a tear forming and then falls from the corner of his eye.

Huh… he’s very human, common… real. Fully God truly man.

One of the things that struck me as odd throughout this picture or vision is that my posture doesn’t change, I don’t sit up straight on the bench or fall on my face… my demeanor and countenance remain the same. Though God is stretched out eight inches from me I am, outwardly unfazed! Equally as unexpected is that he’s un animated, silently slouched on a park bench apparently killing time. If you were to have walked by us and seen us you may have muttered under your breath the commentary, “Get a life!” 

There we were, the two of us sharing a bench for what felt like hours with nothing said, no eye contact… just sitting and staring off into nowhere.

His tear and silence were the most stunning part of the picture. He didn’t say anything?!

He was silent and that was okay. That he said nothing said so much. He was just there, next to me… with me... and I was in his presence and... he’s crying.

He was silent, but his tears said everything. From his tear I knew that He knows all that I’m facing: the losses and pain; the struggles and terrors; my failures and ache to live and love well. I could tell He knew, and knowing that he knew everything about me, my life and this season… brought a tear to his eye. He’s crying with me, for me, over me. The tear is everything!

He didn’t offer affirmation with deeply validating words, “Craig, you have lived so well in this difficult season. Well done my son… you’re so on the right track… I love you! Keep it up”. That he didn’t offer that seemed to say I didn’t need it. Wow!

He didn’t call me out either. There was no exposing of another deeply rooted profoundly governing historic and systemic sin that explains my struggle to live and love well from a heart of true adoration and worship of God. That he didn’t go there seemed to say so much. So, so very much. Apparently there was something more important than going over all of that.

I cannot explain all this picture/vision of God and I sharing a park bench meant and had for me, but a mere moment in the presence of God felt as if time stood still… It was as if I was in his presence for hours and hours. And in those moments everything lifted.

In his presence I was in a zero-gravity-of-the-soul state. The poundage, burden, pressure… the crushing of heart, soul, spirit and desire was lifted. There was no sin; no idolatry or fear; no loss or tears: every desire we have in life-this-side-of-heaven was gone… the longings and groaning for life and all we were created to have were, in his presence satisfied. Nothing lacking, nothing missing, nothing wanted… nothing but pure, full, expansive and deep satisfaction, joy… life itself is what I had in his presence. The whole “My burden is light” thing made sense for the first time ever.

With the weight I carry, that you carry, lifted we can breathe, live, laugh, worship, dance, love… In his presence is life, everything changes because you are in His presence.

Well, as it always does in the here-and-now the picture, the vision these moments with God transitioned... it ended and I was sitting alone in my broken desk chair like any man whom God has visited. Stunned, surprised, wanting to fall on my face in worship… I spent the next hour and then hours over the next week unpacking the beauty, power, affirmation, hope and life of these moments.

Almost immediately I was aware that while nothing had changed with my life everything had changed with life.

My cancer hasn’t disappeared, nor the anger a couple dozen people have so powerfully expressed toward me, my pesky neighbor hasn’t moved, the financial issues remain, my internal battle of withdrawing continues, an old friend still prefers being an ex-friend and my freaking car is now acting up. Nothing has changed with difficult circumstances and challenging relationships of my life.

But having been on that bench and experiencing all that comes in being in his presence I have been introduced to something very new, though I’ve probably taught it eloquently for years... Being in the presence of God changes everything. Everything!

You do not see life the same, in his presence. The very, very real troubles of life look very, very different in his presence. Somehow, in his presence worry, fear, hatred, weakness and pain cannot exist. You see yourself most clearly in his presence. Everything I yearn for in a world that is so violent, parched, deceptive and unforgiving is found in the presence of God. (I have often sought God’s words, voice, counsel, understanding, guidance and validation. Each of those are valid and necessary pursuits to go to God with. What’s new for me, in this season is to simply pursue him and all the other things will be taken care of).

I can't tell you where I spend most of my time but it isn't in the presence of God... I can tell you that one moment on a park bench with him is better than a thousand elsewhere.

Oh God, extend the times we're together.

- Craig McConnell

* Note: Some of my best friends have an eye for grammar that I lack. While I may leave them breathless, at times, from my inclination for run-on sentences, I still maintain that a good winding is a legitimate literary style. 

Comments

[David Felts]

Craig,
I've been waiting for you to post for what seems like an eternity, and then wham, you post this. I'll have to read this one over and over for weeks just so I'm sure to get the full importance of what you are sharing here. Know that I've been praying for you my friend...thanks for your heart....
Dave

[David Crisp]

Wow. This touched something so deep inside. It's hard to explain.

Thank You

[natalie]

Wow... This is incredible.. Thank you so much for sharing.. thank you...

[Jeff Phillips]

Craig - there is a book in this experience. I love to read your writings. I continue to pray against those who attack you and the cancer that tries to destroy you. Thank you for your good heart. Go and listen to "Keep My Heart Alive" by Sanctus Real on their Pieces of a Good Heart Album. Praying for you - Jeff

[Jeff Phillips]

Sorry - Pieces of a Real Heart Album by Sanctus Real.

[Vicki Pratt Dimmick]

Craig, I just read your blog and totally enjoyed reading this. Your thoughts you shared so freely. I am so sorry for your troubles. It sounds as if they are not weighing so heavy on you now. What a wonderful experience! It brouoght me to tears. Thank you for sharing. Get well soon, please. I will pray for you.

Vicki Pratt Dimmick

[Anita Sayers]

Craig
So thankful that our God will meet us where we are and the result is an amazing measure of grace. I loved the fact that you would share such an intimate moment. Your openness and clarity always makes me think and reflect ultimately leading me straight to God. So to Him be the Glory!!!!!
Anita Sayers

[me.yahoo.com/a/cfnSdTVvgOOPWVi_n_xQFGHJIwU-]

Craig..I so so relate to your post. Being in the presence of God and letting go...thank you for share. His yoke is easy..

[yvonne van veluw]

Graig, I just read your blog and I must cry. Thank you for sharing this with us. It really touched my heart.
Blessings from holland.
Love you, henk and yvonne

[Gerry Smuk]

Craig:

Thank you! You've taught my heart and soul something here ... My mind is still catching up. In the midst of my own stuff, someone has hit the pause button, and I am now sensing the presence of God. Peace. Gerry Smuk

[Drew H]

Have been anticipating your return to this for some time now Craig-checked the blog, checked the blog, Wow! Thanks for sharing so much of your journey. Thanks!

[Brady Gunther]

I have always believed that even when we turn our back to the Lord that he is still there waiting for us to turn back around and run into his open arms. What I have come to realize, is for those times when we turn our backs and sprint in the opposite direction He sprints after us no matter how far we go or how hard we try and hide He is there to pick us up and rejoice with us!

[Ann K]

what a story in the midst of my heart cry to go deeper into the story of my life in God. Simply to be with Him when no words of affirmation are needed and no sin to expose and repent and work through.....just rest and life.
Thank you for sharing and offering your glory and story.

[Rie]

You are seriously amazing. The well within you runs transparent and deep. You are changing the atmosphere around you with your overflow- love it! Thank you for showing and sharing your heart Craig!

[Michael H.]

Craig...
You are always so honest, up-front, real and refreshing with what you say. This was truely powerful to me and hit the heart of where we are. Thanks for modeling your internal life with us. God speaks to you and through you Craig. You hold that close and deeply true!
Love you.

[Charlie]

Thank you for sharing your heart. It is a rare treasure.

[Norma Gene]

I too have been waiting for your blog and am sitting here stunned. I've been striving, trying, working, pushing - to 'enter His rest'! Ha ha You know what this blog said to me? Chill!! He's there! He's with you! He knows! Rest! Can it be that easy???? Thanks Craig. You're an amazing person.

[Euns]

Through your writing, I have felt Jesus's heart at this very moment. May God continue to work His wonders in you.

[skipowder]

that is beautiful Craig. Thank you for sharing it. I'm glad this grace bomb was felt by you. Grace and peace.

[Rick]

Craig,

You are a treasure to many. You have touched so much in me, while you battle for your
own heart. I cannot express here the thanks that I have for the gift that you are to me....a gift from God.

Know that my prayers are with you, I stand with you and your heart.

[Michaellevans1]

Craig,
You gave me a few minutes of your time at the Advanced Camp in March of 2009. And while your words were helpful, the time and focus that you gave me were encouraging and healing. Thank you for giving out of your strength, even when you may feel weak. You are a Warrior.

[brad eye]

sharing your life with us is the most valuable and unexpected valuable thing i have experienced from all of you a RHM. the last several podcasts have been used by Jesus in my life not to mention this blog. thank you Craig

[ch3mboi]

And, if anybody feels like they have to criticize, that 'God can't cry', let's just remember that Jesus wept. He didn't stop anybody from crying, and he didn't try to explain it, neither affirming nor denying anybody's interpretation from the crowd.

And after he wept, he brought resurrection from the dead.

Praise be to God.

[Keith]

Craig,
Just returned home to Tennessee from the boot camp this past weekend, and read your post! WOW! I was so looking forward to spending time talking with you this weekend, as I related to you and your story more than some of the other RH team members. Ironically, I got the chance to speak with Bart, John, Morgan all this weekend, but for some reason each time I was going to talk to you, it just didn't feel like the right time. So, I just wrote you a letter.
Thank you for being, through your park-bench post, a Warrior of Encouragement to me!
Please know that I am praying for you and the attack that you and the RH team must be under. After being at boot camp, I understand why you guys are always being attacked, but remember you can't be in the battle if you aren't willing to take the risk of injury, even death. "ALL men must die, few men really live!" Thank you for being one of the guys on the horse in the "bunkie" picture rescuing my heart!
FREEDOM!!!
Keith

[Rand S]

Craig
thank you. what was so important yesterday is now nothing. I want to go find a quiet place and "Rest". thanks and His Strength to you and RH.

[Kelsey Schweickert]

Wow. I'm sitting here crying. Thank you so much for sharing your heart...and God's heart for us. That was just what I needed to read today. Thank you!

[Travis Petty]

We are changed from simply being in His presence. That's it, nothing more nothing less. Thanks Craig!

[Patty F]

Loved the "zero-gravity-of-the-soul state" analogy. What a word picture. Yay for your God's presence experience!
Ever seen the show "Joan of Arcadia"? Don't know for sure where the show's creators were in their relationship to God but it was a kick to see where they thought He might show up. Maybe they understood Him better than the religious folks.

Thanks for sharing...
Patty F

[Starbuck]

Oh, Craig! You are such a dear brother. Thank you for letting us catch a glimpse of our God sitting with you! He IS all we desire, whether we know it or not. His tear, and the tenderness it conveys, brings such a fresh view of all He feels for you, beloved son.

[Brock Henning]

Dang Craig, you nailed me down right in the middle of my own dilemma. God's been saying this to me for weeks (even months), and you just solidified it.

Got room for one more on your park bench?

[Ron Hunnicutt]

Once God shows up everything changes.
But getting Him to show up... man... that is the tough part for me.
Along with obedience in every part of life.
Along with submitting my will to His will moment by moment...
Ü

[Levi]

Craig,

This was exactly what I neededto hear today. Thank you for being a man of vulnerability, strength, and obedience.

Praying...

[Beverly]

Thank you Craig for coming back to the blog-world. Your life's journey never fails to spill over and touch my life in a deep way. I am thankful for fellow sojourners like yourself who live out loud with all the human weaknesses but who realize that while God remains a mystery, ever resistant to our attempts to define Him by our own self-perceptions, His goodness does not shift because our understanding is clouded; His love does not wane based on our feelings, and His faithfulness is not challenged because He does not act as we want Him to or think He should. Please continue to overflow into those around you as you bask in His ever-present Presence. My prayers are with you.
Shalom, Shalom
Beverly
TX

[Darren]

Beautiful! Craig, in so many ways . . .simply beautiful.

[Gary Taylor]

Forget the missing commas and stuff my (old) friend. Your writing is poetic elegance...or did John write this for you? Beautifully expressed word picture, cherishable phrases. I just discovered my twice-"final treatment" of Prostate Cancer didn't work so hot. In at 3.4 PSA out at 11. So I re-read you lines, and I thank you.

The moment on the Park Bench is better than a thousand elsewhere. Makes me wonder if those bench planks were leftovers from the building of The Shack.

[Pete Carroll]

Craig,

Your simple and open eloquence is beautiful and the message of the Park Bench and God just sitting with you and weeping with you, will sustain this man's heart for many a month to come!

I love you brother!

Pete UK

[Eddie]

Craig!
Thank you so much for sharing. Actually I really needed someone to tell me that at least God understands the struggles, heartbrakes and arrows in my life. Tears came to my eyes when reading your blog entry. It's a great treasure for me to know that God is crying with me over the losses in my life.
Craig, you know, within our mind we all know that - we all have been told that God understands. But reason is nothing when it comes to the core issues of my life. Today it took your words to let it sink down deep in my heart :-)

May god bless you.

[Mark]

I've felt like I've been in "shadow", like man in motion but without my heart connected to God. I needed this moment to realize that I'm not alone and that there is hope. I live with pain and one of my supervisors is so jealous of me and my Christian buddy at work that he hates us and tries to sabotage us at every turn. I'm aching for intimacy with my wife, and I felt like life is passing right by. Oh, I just turned 40. Nice.
Craig, thank you for sharing your heart.

[Mark]

Craig!
Thanks for your openness. Your vision is truly how our Father yearns for us!

Ecclesiates 3:11 He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I love this passage, it reminds me that we actually are not meant for this earth. No matter what comes our way in this life for good or bad, we're not here that long anyways. Our ache inside us will not be satisfied until we meet Him and live with Him in Eternity.

What's most important is the relationships we build with as many people as possible, to simply love them as best we can and to share Christ's message of love for them.

You are a Warrior!
Praying that you can be a Warrior for a long time yet.

Mark

[Audrey Wrenn]

Craig,
What an awesome God we serve. Only He knows how to love like that.

[rick mcnabb]

This put me there with you....Wow!!!"a warm breeze blowing just enough to rustle the leaves of the Cottonwood that’s shading me"( i am a kansas boy where the cottonwood is the state tree...nothing like the chime of the cottonwood leaves in a warm summer breeze...thanks brother for painting the picture for us...just to be in our Lord's presence for a moment does change everything,Everything!...

[Kay]

Craig ~ Thank you for sharing this deeply intimate experience. God spoke directly to my aching heart through it, and I so desperately needed to hear Him. My husband of 43 years died two months ago, and I was genuinely grateful that God cut short his months of suffering from cancer and took him home, sending me a few hours later a breathtakingly gorgeous sunset and the message that all heaven was rejoicing at his homecoming. Daily my heart has poured out thankfulness for all His blessings and that has saved me from self pity. There hasn't been time to cry since he left, but today I found myself gasping out, "Oh God, it hurts!" Not a complaint, just an expression of reality. And then I wandered into your blog (first time ever) and I knew that through your experience God was speaking to me too. He knew just what I needed and His grace led me here, to offer the comfort only His presence can bring. Truly, He is an incredibly compassionate God!

[Michael Billips]

Sorta puts a twist on the whole "silence of God" thing. I mean He's God, so His silence says just as much. It doesn't mean He's holding out, He's right there with you. God has seemed to me quiet and subdued over, oh, the past 6 months. Maybe that's a sabbath whisper in response to my busyness and scrambling effort.

[Terri Bell]

Getting ready to head to Buena Vista, and I "stumble" upon this--wow. Even in my fatigue, frustration at illness that steals my strength and defies "experts" to find the cause or "real" treatment, I seek His heart and desire only to do His Will as I struggle through another long day at work. I am cautiously optomistic that God will "meet" me in my beloved mountains--but I don't want to be disappointed. Craig--thank you for sharing and opening your heart, giving courage, and reminding me that God is so much MORE than anything I could imagine or "hope" for! The sharing in this community of believers is such a GIFT! God is The AWESOME CREATOR, and at the same time He is an older man, sitting gently with us on an ordinary park bench. Wow.

[Serena Crompton]

Craig, upon reading your blog, I found so many thoughts/feelings swirling around inside that I had to get them out by putting them on paper. This is what resulted. If it's too long, forgive me. I've never shared like this.

"I read a blog this morning that spoke about a vision of a visit from God and how everything troublesome, in His presence, evaporated. How things like 'worry, fear, hatred, weakness and pain' ceased to exist...could not exist. And it made me remember one of my own vision/visits, when I was lying in bed, in pain, and suddenly it was as if Jesus stood next to me. And just as suddenly, the pain went completely away, and I thought how 'zero' pain was very different from 'suppressed' or 'managed' pain. I couldn't remember ever feeling 'zero' pain. Ever. Why?

Like Israel in the time of Isaiah, one of my greatest failings is self-reliance. I've undergone plenty to break me of it, but I always get back to my feet, so used to giving it another go that I don't even notice what I'm doing--until God lets me be broken me again. I've used Him time and again JUST to get back on my feet, and then I go on--pain, fear, whatever, suppressed--and I manage for a while.

Not long ago, I was talking with a friend about my inability to simply pursue God for the purpose of knowing Him and enjoying Him and being in His presence. (I mean, who in the world--in THIS world--has time for that?) Survival is my goal, and that seems impossible enough. And yet my favorite Bible verse has, for almost as long as I've been a Christian, been this:

'One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek Him in His temple.' (Ps. 27:4)

I break down crying when I read it. Somewhere inside, I must know what's needed. God's Spirit, who lives in me, must be telling me. He wants me to want more than survival and more than temporary relief.

Craig McConnell, whose blog I read this morning on the Ransomed Heart Ministries site, says: 'Everything I yearn for in a world that is so violent, parched, deceptive and unforgiving is found in the presence of God. (I have often sought God’s words, voice, counsel, understanding, guidance and validation. Each of those are valid and necessary pursuits to go to God with. What’s new for me, in this season is to simply pursue Him and all the other things will be taken care of).'

Could it be that easy? I ask. I hope I'm ready to try."

[Phillip Taylor]

Just now reading this blog. all I can say is...this is the kinda stuff that has kept my heart close to Ransomed Heart. the un-edited, transparent perspective of life.
Thanks so very much. Hoping to see you and team in November Boot Camp Advanced.

[cheloy]

my thoughts precisely.. thanks, craig for being honest.. this has aid me into putting a picture of what i feel inside these days... may the Lord bless and anoint you more as you write your heart to glorify God..

[Chris]

I often feel impotent at work, centering on my anxiety in the presence of certain people. I've often thought that if I could be in God's presence and experience his love in these situations, I could have the clarity of mind to discern truth from lie and respond in forthrightness and love (like Jesus). You've described this presence. Thank you. I haven't yet experience it but I know it is there to be had.

[Jim]

Craig,
I find myself in similar circumstances today, and "stumbled" across your post. Your honesty in describing the loneliness of my self-absorption while doubting God's goodness was incredible, especially that of being "alive but not present." That so echoes the struggle I find myself in. The shame of returns to "my own vomit," the guilt that I try to hide in the presence of others who are more "holy," the gut-wrenching fear of opening up to brothers about these things and the risk of being sent off to some wilderness "Guantanamo" as a result--all drive a wedge of apprehension between me and the Father. Add in physical sickness and suffering, and despair feels like the only place to live (if you can call that living)--or just checking out. You've encouraged me to look for a "park bench" where I can spend some time in waiting with openness for the Lord.
Thanks so much for your brutal honesty and transparency in sharing your walk. You, and those like you, are what the Church has needed for a long time! May His grace overwhelm you, Craig!
Jim (met you at a couple of Boot Camps--'03 & '05)

[Rebecca]

Craig, My husband (Charles) and I deeply appreciate your candor and sense of humor. You call a spade a spade, and you're not afraid to share your opinions, fears, and deep desires. We can relate to you on many levels, and we're excited to discover your Blog today. Like some of your friends, I am a writer, and I "have an eye for grammar," and it is my STRONG opinion that YOU should be a writer! You have a gift for sharing from the heart, and while reading your two latest Blogs, I kept thinking to myself, "Craig should write a book." Then I read your funny comment that, "A good winding is a legitimate literary style," and I was convinced. Writing with humor is a gift too, and you have that gift! I look forward to reading more of your Blogs, and I hope you share more in your own book in the future. Let your editor fix your run-on sentences! We're praying for your health Craig. Even though we don't know you, you're a big part of our lives through "Wild at Heart," and your wife has touched us through "Captivating," and "Love and War." All the best to you, Rebecca